What a day…
Rarely do I have an absolute pain-free day. I have had them more recently than in the last year and a half, but it seems I pay for them afterwards. Today is one of those days that I am cashing in for the good days. Now, lets combine that with the lower swing of bipolar and now we have the reason that I have to rely on my logic and hang onto my memories and not trust how I feel because I "feel" like I am less. It is hard to explain, but I feel like I am less than a woman, less than the mother I should be and certainly not the wife I want to be to Dan.
With medication my swings are not as big sometimes, but that is not the case all the time. Admittedly, I do have very good days and most of them are that way except for the pain associated with my treatment with these Lupron injections. But, as a mental state, usually, my days are pretty good. Some are more up than others, but the gap isn’t as wide. Then, every now and then, there is a day like today. It may last a day and it may last three days. These are the days I have to rely on my “logic” and look back through pictures and recount memories to remain in the truth of what actually is. Does that even make sense?
It would be great to tell you that I can look around and see my life and how blessed I am and live in the bliss of having a wonderful family and a great support system. Days like today my logic tells me to do that. At the same time though, my emotions are saying, “screw you, it’s a bad day and there is no amount of logic that is going to make up for the fact that you are an idiot and unworthy of the breath you take.” I'm leaving out the profanity that my mind seems to think is okay to tell myself even though I try and be a Christian and that in no way reflects how a Christian speaks.
I can’t trust how I am feeling. It has taken lots of therapy to get to this point (full disclosure...I haven’t been back to therapy in about three years). So, it is getting harder to rely on the logic to get through days like today because my emotions are starting to win these battles. The negative thoughts start giving life to negative emotions and that begins to affect my entire being.
I know what you are thinking...read God’s word, study, pray and He will bring that to you. Absolutely, that is true. I do read and study daily. I wish it were that easy to erase all the negative and live the Godly life that I want so much to live all the time. Bipolar is a disease that doesn’t always allow you to do that. I just pray that come time for me to stand in front of God for the judgement that He knows I tried even on the hardest days.
Looking at this through someone else’s eyes I would be saying how blessed they are in their life. I know that to be true of my own life, but that is what bipolar does. I HATE having this and just wish so much I could just be “normal.” My mind goes to dark places and I have to fight to keep myself out of the “feeling” mode. I have to remain logical. I would be lying to say I never have to have help with that. There is a reason our code word is “logic.”
Today is a day I wish I could just be in the room by myself and cover my head to so that I don’t have to work so hard to just be okay. Someone told me a few months ago that people had no idea how hard they worked just to make their lives appear normal to everyone else. I can so totally relate to that on so many levels. It’s just such a hard day for me today. I begin questioning everything. Why is it like this?
Then lets add in the guilt for good measure. Lets add in how guilty I feel because I even have these thoughts when I have such a great family and a supportive husband that loves me. What can I tell you...it’s the nature of the disease. I can’t help it. I am trying to help it, but it seems that I just can’t on some days. Logic tells me to just suck it up, but when the pain from my body compounds what is already a hard day, it feels nearly impossible to get myself together.
Anyone who has ever dealt with depression knows that it has nothing to do with the people around you, but it is about you yourself. It is a mental disease and it can’t be helped. It can be managed, but you can’t just decide that you are being a big baby and just get over it. Oh, how I wish that were so because life would be much easier if we could do that. The guilt wouldn’t be so heavy either.
These Lupron treatments are helping with the pain in my body to some degree, but today has been a really bad day. It’s just so painful and adding in the bipolar swing as well and that makes it just about all I can take today.
Jacob is so mature for his age and has to understand things that are not fair for him at only 9 years old. (insert more guilt here) He knows that he is autistic and just as it is part of who he is so is my bipolar a part of who I am. It is just something that I have and I can’t help it nor can I get rid of it. He knows that when I am having a hard day that I am usually just very quiet. Maybe that is the mother in me, but never could I live with myself if I ever made him feel bad because of my own disease. So, I just stay pretty quiet most the day and deal with it as best I can. It is not the snapping, hateful type of depression for me. It’s the unworthy, not good enough feeling that I have that overwhelms me. He, of course, doesn’t know that. He shouldn’t know that. He just understands that mom isn’t feeling well and we just move on as best we can. It may be a day that he is just hanging out reading, watching a movie and doing only math and language arts because he can do those on the Ipad without much instruction. That is okay. Sometimes, rarely, those are just our days. This is NOT his fault and I am thankful that he understands mom just doesn’t feel well and it isn’t his fault. His therapist is a tremendous help in getting him to understand that. He went for a session this morning and she knew something wasn't right with me. They talked about it during his session and she talked with me afterwards and she said he gets it.
God absolutely has the power to swoop in and take all these feelings and all the pain away and make everything right. There is no doubt about that. However, I don't think that is how He works. I do know enough to trust Him though and if this is the burden I bear then there must be a reason why. The best thing I know is to trust Him and walk this path without giving up in the end. I gotta tell you though, that is getting harder and harder to do on days like today.
So many people suffer from different things and their pain is, no doubt, much worse than mine. (insert more guilt) However, I write to bring awareness and healing to myself because, while that is true that others suffer far worse, that doesn't make my pain any less real to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment