It’s a better day today. I’ve been on the mend since Thursday. Thank God!!! I really, from the bottom of my heart, thank God that I am feeling better. Dark times are hard, but never has it been as hard as these last few days have been.
The thing about bipolar is that you do have swings back and forth, but with the right balance of medication, and for me there are other factors, it is manageable. However, the key is to keep it balanced. When you find what works...stick with it. That has been my plan from the beginning. What changed was that I began these Lupron injections which threw me into medical menopause. I was doing well with the changes in my body and hormones until just recently. Maybe it is that I am just now getting into the throes of it or because I skipped a step in what I am doing to treat everything for about three days. It was unintentional, but still, a small skip in a balanced routine is huge when you have bipolar and are going through menopause at the same time.
In any event, something caused me to really spiral out of control and the pain on top of all the emotional things I was feeling was almost too much to bear. Have you ever hurt down into your bones and it feels like they are just coming apart from the inside out? That is what the pain felt like in my body and I just couldn’t get any relief. I went to yoga Thursday thinking that would help and almost didn’t make it through class. When I got home all I could do was lay down on the couch. I piled blankets on top of me for the pressure and that seemed to help, but it just hurts so much there isn’t much you can do other than just wait it out. That on top of so much emotional pain and the guilt that comes with not being able to be the parent I need to be was almost too much to handle.
I write this blog to be open and honest and I know that with it comes exposure. Still, I try to be completely honest because it helps no one to sugar coat what happens and it can maybe help you understand if someone you know is going through the same thing. It’s hard to talk about and even harder to admit. You want to just hide it and for years that is what I did.
During these last few days, I have realized how important it is to get support from those around you. Having a support system is far more important than hiding so that the world doesn’t see what is happening to you. I would be lying to say that isn’t the sole reason that I am still here breathing and able to write this morning. These dark days have never been so bad and, just to be completely honest here, I really thought about the possibility of just shutting it down altogether. The pain was so much to bear along with the emotions that were not giving way to the logical side of things and it was just getting to be too much and I just wanted to stop hurting both physically and mentally. I know I have a awesome kid and a fantastic husband that both love me and they both depend on me. However, that is logical thinking. You are not always thinking that way when you are in such a dark place. Thankfully, I know better now and I knew better then too, but it just hurts so much you almost don’t know what else to do. Please don’t judge, just try and understand. I don’t tell you this to get sympathy or pity or anything like that. The reason I tell you is because you each have the power to help someone if you have a friend or loved one going through this. This is how you can help support them. If you know what to do it helps you do what you can. Does that make sense? I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. This is to try and help someone else and to heal in the process. The way that I do that is to write. It’s always been an outlet for me and I love to write.
A support system is absolutely necessary and just because someone says they are fine, if you know that something isn’t right, trust your instinct. Maybe they won’t open up to you just yet, but just stick around anyway. Keep your eyes on them for a bit. Just be there in silence if that is what it takes, but be there. We don’t want to talk about it because there is guilt, shame and you already feel so unworthy that the last thing you want is to have to tell someone and say out loud what a big loser you are in that moment. You feel like they are going to judge you and say, “how can you feel this way, look at all the people that love you.” Again...more guilt. Just be there. Don’t expect them to tell you what is happening or have a big conversation about it. Hang out and watch a movie, do what you would normally do and if the person you are with is acting a little strange, just know that you need to keep eyes on them if you can. Having someone there who loves you and who doesn’t need you to voice what you are feeling is huge. Just knowing that Dan was here with me, not talking to me or asking questions was huge. You already have so much turmoil going on inside that you don’t want someone making you talk about it out loud. You just need support and yet you don’t want to ask for it. Give it to them anyway. Like I say, just hang out with them. Even if they say they are fine, just go over and sit with them and read a book. You don’t have to talk. Just be with them. It’s almost unspoken that there is a problem, but as long as you don’t have to talk about it, it’s okay to just be there. We don’t want to be alone during these times, but we don’t want to talk about it either. It needs to be okay to just be feeling what we are feeling without judgement and even when we snap your head off, just know we don’t mean it and be there anyway. That is what friends do. This isn’t the time to show how you are right and justified in your action to snap back or leave. Don’t leave and don’t fight. Just know that it can’t be helped in that moment and you can address that stuff later. For now, just be their friend and let it be okay that they are feeling bad and are maybe not the best company. Stay anyway!!
I’m doing much better now and am back on track with my treatment plan and taking everything exactly when I am suppose to do it. It’s definitely a combination of lots of things that are helping me through this. It isn’t one specific thing that makes me better. I have found a great support system and with God, prayer, my meds, vitamins, phytoprolief cream, yoga, nutrition and really great people in my life, we are making this work. It takes everything to make it work. I skipped one thing (the phytoprolief cream that gives me estrogen) at night for about three nights and maybe that is what threw me into such a tailspin. I don’t know, but what I do know is that it takes a combination of things and until you find the right balance it will be hard to get a firm foundation.
I am seeing the light of day now and recognize how important it is to keep every aspect of my life balanced because it is so important to keep doing what works.
Life is a beautiful thing even when you have to look through the clouds to see it!
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