Balance: Not just making a change, but finding a balance

Just finished up a yoga video at home this morning. I can’t get to class on Mon/Wed because those are the mornings that my husband gets up early and runs. That is the way it works when you have a kid at home. That’s nothing new though, every parent has to work out schedules for one thing or another.  One of us has a 4:30 morning every day of the week, but it is worth it to reap the benefit of a healthy body and a balanced mind.  

I keep saying that you can’t be afraid to try something new.  You have to allow yourself to grow no matter what your age.  Expanding your mind and embracing new ideas keeps you alive in a way.  This has been somewhat of a new concept for me.  I thought all you had to do was just work harder.  I was wrong...oh, so wrong. Opening your mind is far different than just changing your body.  This is a glimpse into my story of change...

What started out as a very serious conversation with a doctor about four years ago morphed my mind into a self sabotaging monster. After having gone through a lot of hard changes in our life (I’ve shared most of those in previous posts) it took a toll on my body.  I no longer cared for myself and was letting my disease tell me things like, “it doesn’t matter anyway; this is just your lot in life; people get like this when they are older; I’ve always been big boned.” I went into my doctor because I was having some ailments (surprise, I weighed almost 300 pounds). He in the most serious of tones just flat out told me that if I wanted to see my son graduate college that I had better do something with my health.  I was borderline diabetic and my cholesterol numbers were through the roof along with a blood pressure that would make your jaw drop. The way he talked to me was maddening and I was furious.  Then, he had the nerve to say that this was all self induced and it was my fault.  There...he actually said it, “this is YOUR fault.” It had nothing to do with my disease, but everything to do with what I was putting on my dinner plate.  How dare he call me out? I look back now and think what in the world was I doing?  We were eating out to McDonald’s three times a week, fried chicken dinners, loaded up plates of white flours and carbs.  How was this my fault?  

I came home furious and upset at myself more than anything and talked to my husband expecting him to tell me how it was okay and that the doctor was overreacting.  Oh, boy was I wrong. He not only didn’t agree with me, but said nothing much about it at all.  He knows when to just keep his mouth shut.  Although he wouldn’t take my side, he wasn’t about to add to it. So, I decided then and there that I was going to change.  I told him I wanted to make changes and was going to do better.  He had heard that story a million times before, but with each new time acted as though it was the first and supported me as much as anyone could.  What he didn’t know is that my whole family was going to change.  Even his grandmother who was 88 at the time lost 13 pounds when I started making changes.  We had to start giving her protein drinks and buying extra food for her.  They didn’t all like it at first, but went along with it.

It started with trying to walk to my mailbox.  I couldn’t even do that without feeling like I was going to die.  I had a knee injury back in highschool that left me with a few screws in one knee and more scars than I care to have on display. My knee hurt so back to the doctor I went complaining.  When I told him that it hurt to even walk up the hill to my mailbox he said for me to turn around and walk backwards to the mailbox.  What?!?!  He is suppose to fix me.  What a jerk! How dare he?? He did send me away with a contact that was starting up a new program through my health insurance.  She was a runner.  There it was...the beginning of my journey as a runner. Her name was Andrea and she ran marathons.  MARATHONS!!?!??!!  Who in their right mind runs 26.2 miles for fun and doesn’t die.  That is what an overweight, out of shape person thinks when they are looking at her and she is suppose to help me get in shape.  She signed me up for the Predator 5k (one of the most fun races in downtown Nashville).  I worked the program and, as much as it hurt, I stuck it out.  I came home from a very hilly run/walk/zombie crawl session and laid down on my porch before even reaching the door. I laugh at it now, but that is where I was at the time.  But, somewhere along the way the athlete in me woke up again. I pushed hard and worked more than ever. Forward on to four half marathons, Warrior Dash, Muddy Buddy, countless 5k races and the grand finale of the Ironman 70.3 in Oceanside, California.

Training for that Ironman in California fueled my fire to push hard and also for adventure.  Open water swims at Aquatic Park. That happens to sit in front of Alcatraz.  That’s right...during every swim you could see The Rock. I was bumped by a sea lion a couple times, but surprisingly, you get used to that. I ran the Mermaid 5k with a couple friends that winds you through Crissy Field which is beside the Golden Gate Bridge.  These are places that people go to for vacation and I was so blessed to be living there. Learning to surf was one of the highlights for sure.  It was scary, but what is life if you don’t scare yourself every now and then?  Finally, I was seeing what life was like actually deliberately living it instead of stuck in a pattern of just letting it happen around me.  Mental illness will do that to you.  It makes you think you don’t have a choice and that you are dealt this hand and that is all you can do. That is NOT true!!!!

That’s it...that is my answer.  You just work hard.  Well, until your body decides that it has finally had enough of you not listening to it anymore. From one extreme to the other is a hard swing for it to take. I was having a lot of fun and when we moved back to NWA I decided to tackle my Mt. Everest.  That is the Branson 70.3. The hardest half Ironman on the circuit.  In doing that my health was getting worse and worse, but I refused to give up. Then it was race day and I was being taken out of the water and to the medical tent.  That began a long few months of figuring out what was wrong with me and I had five procedures in the process of healing my body for different things.

However, I have come to know that sometimes what is best for you is to balance yourself.  More than pushing hard or finishing a race, it is balancing your mind, your body and your soul. Nothing does that like yoga. I’ve always thought that was a little cooky and that if I wanted to change my body I just had to work harder. After all, that is how change happens. That will change your body, but what about your life? For me...changing my body was not the same as changing my mind.  That is the important part.  Changing your mind to be loving and accepting makes a happy place for your body to live. So, while my body is far from the best shape it has been in, my life is in the best place it’s ever been.  Don’t be afraid of change!!!

 Sometimes you get there ...

But you almost always fall in the process...

DON'T STOP TRYING!!!!!