So, let me tell you why I really wrote the “love” entry on the blog. It’s easy to overlook those small evenings that make up memories as time moves on. Mental illness isn’t very forgiving when it comes to your bad days. The swing of bipolar can be a very big gap. The bad days, when the depression side of it has set in, can last for days. Sometimes it overshadows all reason and makes you forget the reality of what life is really like when you are stable. The logic of what really is tells me what a great family I have and how very lucky I am to be part of a unit that is so close. That is absolutely true and in my head I know that to be what really is even though it might not be what I am feeling. You can’t always trust your feelings when you are bipolar. Logic is more your friend than feelings.
See what I mean... Now, don’t get me wrong, I FEEL loved, blessed and absolutely grateful for all that my life has become. It’s just that sometimes that part gets lost when the swing from manic hits the bottom side of the depression. I keep these posts of memories like yesterday to help remind me of what it is really like on a daily basis. It helps me realize how loved I am and that this family is the most important thing in the world. It doesn’t take away the depression and, in fact, it doesn’t really actually do anything more than just help me to realize the good times and to think on those. It’s almost like reading a really great book and you get lost inside of it. I can look back on pictures, memories and read my thoughts and realize just how precious those times can be and how I don’t want to forget them.
My memory is weird in that I can’t always find my memories. I think it was a skill I developed as a kid in forgetting things and now it seems I can’t always keep my memories even when I want desperately to hold onto them.
I can’t imagine being on Dan’s side of things. He is very understanding and knows that sometimes, not often, but sometimes there is a side to me that isn’t very pleasant and can be very hurtful. I try not to be that way, but when you are not thinking clearly, you are also not thinking rationally. I’m very lucky that he understands that. Maybe that is why we are made for each other. Him having PTSD helps him know that mental illness is something you cannot help and you just have to accept it for what it is and love the other person through it. I think that is really all any of us want is to be accepted fully for what we are and not judged for what we are not.
There are days that I do forget my meds and Dan is quick to let me know it. I mean, seriously, when you take 7 pills a day, you tend to forget 1 or 2 sometimes. Now, that can make for a fun day around here depending on the lack of sleep that goes along with it...haha. Insomnia used to not be a problem, but with the Lupron injections it has definitely become and issue. So, sometimes I have to add in an 8th medication in taking something to help me sleep. I'm telling you...fun times around our neck of the woods.
More than anything I want to be a Christian. I would love to tell you that being a Christian and living for God takes away all these challenges and makes your mind clear and your life perfect, but it doesn’t. Instead, I am not just bipolar, but I am a bipolar Christian. That is okay though because as much as Dan loves and accepts me...that doesn't even compare to the love that God has for me and the acceptance he extends to me daily. I’m so thankful his mercy is new everyday because I seem to need it more and more each day especially through the hard times. Somehow, God just makes it work. It's true there is nothing to big for God because I just couldn't imagine having any kind of a life without Him at the forefront. God gives us this life and allows us to see the humor in it as well. I like to think God has somewhat of a sense of humor in looking down at me. I mean, really, who wouldn't have a little chuckle at this mess that makes up who I am.
What a gift laughter can be in anyone's life and He certainly blessed me with two people that can make me smile no matter the circumstance. That doesn't mean they don't have a code word though. If I am getting a little too crazy for even those two, they just say, "logic." That is my cue to just leave the room. Jacob understands that when I leave the room after they use the code word that I am going to go and think about what is happening. Like I say, you can't always trust how you feel when you are bipolar. So, that helps me go into my room and sometimes even make a list of what is happening so I can think through it. How weird is that? It helps though..
No comments:
Post a Comment