Giving Thanks For Love: A love story of a different kind

Today is Thanksgiving Day.  We have so much to be thankful for in our lives and not just today, but everyday.

As we sat down around the table today Jacob started to get a little teary eyed. I asked him what was wrong with him and he said, “I’m just not that excited about the holidays.”  After we talked for a few minutes he finally said that he missed Gangan.  

Let me back up a little…

When Dan went to Bosnia in 2001, I had barely just met Gangan and Grandaddy, but knowing Dan was leaving soon, Gangan invited me to live with them while he was gone.  I accepted and she took me to church, taught me to cook and tried to help me learn to sew, but always...she was my friend. My own pappaw passed away in 1994 and I never knew my other grandparents so I cherished the opportunity to live with Gangan and Grandaddy and have them as my own grandparents. Every single time we went anywhere and I would drive Granddaddy would say, “Elizabeth, is our insurance paid up?” hah...I can hear it as clear as day.  They were both so very good to me and never offered judgement of any kind.

Time moved on and when Dan came home in 2002, he and I moved to Memphis as he had been reassigned there with the military. Jacob was born in Memphis in 2005 and we moved back to Nashville just a couple months after he was born.  The plan was to have Dan stay with Gangan and Grandaddy while Jacob and I stayed in Memphis waiting for our house to sell.  However, it sold much faster than we anticipated.  So, of course, we all three moved into Gangan and Grandaddy’s upstairs bonus room.  The three of us lived in a 300 sq.ft. space and were perfectly happy being there with them. I have always said I can live anywhere as long as my family is together.  We lived with them for a few months and that began a wonderful love story of a different kind for us and for Jacob.

Being there daily Jacob was able to get to know Gangan and Grandaddy and loved them both like nothing else.  Gangan would feed him all the time and he would sit with her as long as she would hold him. He was such an easy baby.  As he got older we got him a little jumpy thing to play in and he usually either wanted in Gangan’s lap or in his jumpy toy.  The toy sat right beside Grandaddy’s chair. He would jump up and down in that thing and scream his head off while looking at Grandaddy sleeping.  The instant Grandaddy opened his eyes and looked at Jacob he would stop screaming and laugh. What a stinker!! He would reach his hand out for Grandaddy to hold while he was beside him.  Jacob was so young, but loved them both so very much.  

We lived there a few months before finding an apartment and then after only a couple months bought a house and moved Gangan in with us.  Grandaddy had fallen and was in a rehab facility.  He eventually came to live with us too and was home for two weeks before he passed away.  It was the most peaceful passing for him. He was at home with Gangan asleep in a bed next to him. I say that when my time comes I hope to be as lucky as him; to die at home in your sleep next to the person you love most in the world is a blessing.  

Granddaddy passed away in November of 2005 and Jacob and Gangan have been inseparable ever since. I really think Jacob is what helped her keep going once he died.  She was so sad after having been married for well over 50 years and now she lost the love of her life.  Jacob kept her going and kept her busy. Oh, how he loves his Gangan.

  

He has never known life without Gangan.  She would do anything for Jacob and give him whatever he wanted.  She, at 89 years old, even trecked across the country to move with us to San Francisco leaving everything she knew behind. While she would do anything for him, what he always wanted most was her time and she gave it abundantly.  He has come to know what a valuable relationship that is to have with your grandparent.  Jacob has other grandparents, but he doesn’t see them very much and rarely talks to them so he isn’t as close to them as he is Gangan.  He loves them all very much, but the distance between all of us keeps him from getting close to them. Of course, it made it easier for him to be close to Gangan because she lived with us for so long. Over 9 years!

Circumstances change as life goes on and on Labor Day weekend of this year Gangan went to live in Arizona with her daughter.  Jacob was so sad that she left, but in the last few weeks seemed to be doing better about adjusting to life without Gangan.  However, today he has had a hard time because he is missing her.  I forget that it was merely three months ago that she left. For us, time gets busy and with everything going on, I guess I had forgotten that he is still hurting having her gone.

God’s timing is absolutely perfect! It never fails that he is right on time in any situation. Just after she left for Arizona and we sort of got back to normal, I began these treatments and there is just simply no way I could care for her at this point.  It’s better for her to be in Arizona, but we miss her...I miss her. Much more than I realized I would, I miss her too.  

Caring for someone takes a toll on you and sometimes it gets to be more than you can take, but you still love them. After all, if you didn't you wouldn't do it. As they get older their mind starts to go and the person you knew slowly becomes a stranger. Every now and then though, I would get a glimpse of the woman I once knew...my friend. I miss having coffee with her and talking about everything and sometimes nothing at all.  I miss her.  

Now that Gangan has gone to Arizona Jacob can Skype with her or talk to her on the phone anytime he wants, but it is very hard for him to do that.  Every single time it upsets him to talk with her because he misses her so much.  If you know anything about Asperger’s at all then you know that emotions are very hard for him to deal with and he gets overwhelmed with how he feels.  He had rather just not have to feel that way so he doesn't want to call her, but he still misses her all the same.  I would be lying to say that the feeling isn’t much the same for me and his dad.  Dan misses his grandmother and Jacob misses his sidekick and that makes it hard and sometimes you just don’t want to do what is hard.

It breaks my heart that he misses her, but fills me with joy at the same time knowing that he has experienced what it means to have a grandmother love and cherish him like she has done. It has helped shape who he is and I couldn’t be more proud of the young man he is growing up to become.   

Knowing Gangan changes who you are...she makes you better. That is just what she does.  

Live in the Light: A look back from the light side of a very dark place

It’s a better day today. I’ve been on the mend since Thursday.  Thank God!!! I really, from the bottom of my heart, thank God that I am feeling better.  Dark times are hard, but never has it been as hard as these last few days have been.  

The thing about bipolar is that you do have swings back and forth, but with the right balance of medication, and for me there are other factors, it is manageable.  However, the key is to keep it balanced. When you find what works...stick with it.  That has been my plan from the beginning.  What changed was that I began these Lupron injections which threw me into medical menopause.  I was doing well with the changes in my body and hormones until just recently.  Maybe it is that I am just now getting into the throes of it or because I skipped a step in what I am doing to treat everything for about three days.  It was unintentional, but still, a small skip in a balanced routine is huge when you have bipolar and are going through menopause at the same time.  

In any event, something caused me to really spiral out of control and the pain on top of all the emotional things I was feeling was almost too much to bear.  Have you ever hurt down into your bones and it feels like they are just coming apart from the inside out?  That is what the pain felt like in my body and I just couldn’t get any relief. I went to yoga Thursday thinking that would help and almost didn’t make it through class.  When I got home all I could do was lay down on the couch. I piled blankets on top of me for the pressure and that seemed to help, but it just hurts so much there isn’t much you can do other than just wait it out.  That on top of so much emotional pain and the guilt that comes with not being able to be the parent I need to be was almost too much to handle.  

I write this blog to be open and honest and I know that with it comes exposure. Still, I try to be completely honest because it helps no one to sugar coat what happens and it can maybe help you understand if someone you know is going through the same thing.  It’s hard to talk about and even harder to admit.  You want to just hide it and for years that is what I did.  

During these last few days, I have realized how important it is to get support from those around you.  Having a support system is far more important than hiding so that the world doesn’t see what is happening to you. I would be lying to say that isn’t the sole reason that I am still here breathing and able to write this morning.  These dark days have never been so bad and, just to be completely honest here, I really thought about the possibility of just shutting it down altogether. The pain was so much to bear along with the emotions that were not giving way to the logical side of things and it was just getting to be too much and I just wanted to stop hurting both physically and mentally. I know I have a awesome kid and a fantastic husband that both love me and they both depend on me. However, that is logical thinking.  You are not always thinking that way when you are in such a dark place. Thankfully, I know better now and I knew better then too, but it just hurts so much you almost don’t know what else to do. Please don’t judge, just try and understand. I don’t tell you this to get sympathy or pity or anything like that.  The reason I tell you is because you each have the power to help someone if you have a friend or loved one going through this.  This is how you can help support them. If you know what to do it helps you do what you can. Does that make sense? I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. This is to try and help someone else and to heal in the process. The way that I do that is to write. It’s always been an outlet for me and I love to write.  

A support system is absolutely necessary and just because someone says they are fine, if you know that something isn’t right, trust your instinct.  Maybe they won’t open up to you just yet, but just stick around anyway.  Keep your eyes on them for a bit. Just be there in silence if that is what it takes, but be there. We don’t want to talk about it because there is guilt, shame and you already feel so unworthy that the last thing you want is to have to tell someone and say out loud what a big loser you are in that moment.  You feel like they are going to judge you and say, “how can you feel this way, look at all the people that love you.” Again...more guilt. Just be there.  Don’t expect them to tell you what is happening or have a big conversation about it.  Hang out and watch a movie, do what you would normally do and if the person you are with is acting a little strange, just know that you need to keep eyes on them if you can. Having someone there who loves you and who doesn’t need you to voice what you are feeling is huge.  Just knowing that Dan was here with me, not talking to me or asking questions was huge. You already have so much turmoil going on inside that you don’t want someone making you talk about it out loud. You just need support and yet you don’t want to ask for it.  Give it to them anyway.  Like I say, just hang out with them. Even if they say they are fine,  just go over and sit with them and read a book. You don’t have to talk. Just be with them.  It’s almost unspoken that there is a problem, but as long as you don’t have to talk about it, it’s okay to just be there.  We don’t want to be alone during these times, but we don’t want to talk about it either.  It needs to be okay to just be feeling what we are feeling without judgement and even when we snap your head off, just know we don’t mean it and be there anyway. That is what friends do. This isn’t the time to show how you are right and justified in your action to snap back or leave.  Don’t leave and don’t fight. Just know that it can’t be helped in that moment and you can address that stuff later.  For now, just be their friend and let it be okay that they are feeling bad and are maybe not the best company.  Stay anyway!!

I’m doing much better now and am back on track with my treatment plan and taking everything exactly when I am suppose to do it.  It’s definitely a combination of lots of things that are helping me through this. It isn’t one specific thing that makes me better. I have found a great support system and with God, prayer, my meds, vitamins, phytoprolief cream, yoga, nutrition and really great people in my life, we are making this work. It takes everything to make it work.  I skipped one thing (the phytoprolief cream that gives me estrogen) at night for about three nights and maybe that is what threw me into such a tailspin.  I don’t know, but what I do know is that it takes a combination of things and until you find the right balance it will be hard to get a firm foundation.  

I am seeing the light of day now and recognize how important it is to keep every aspect of my life balanced because it is so important to keep doing what works.   

Life is a beautiful thing even when you have to look through the clouds to see it!

Pain and Guilt: an open look at a dark day with bipolar

What a day…

Rarely do I have an absolute pain-free day.  I have had them more recently than in the last year and a half, but it seems I pay for them afterwards.  Today is one of those days that I am cashing in for the good days.  Now, lets combine that with the lower swing of bipolar and now we have the reason that I have to rely on my logic and hang onto my memories and not trust how I feel because I "feel" like I am less. It is hard to explain, but I feel like I am less than a woman, less than the mother I should be and certainly not the wife I want to be to Dan.  

With medication my swings are not as big sometimes, but that is not the case all the time.  Admittedly, I do have very good days and most of them are that way except for the pain associated with my treatment with these Lupron injections.  But, as a mental state, usually, my days are pretty good. Some are more up than others, but the gap isn’t as wide.  Then, every now and then, there is a day like today.  It may last a day and it may last three days. These are the days I have to rely on my “logic” and look back through pictures and recount memories to remain in the truth of what actually is.  Does that even make sense?  

It would be great to tell you that I can look around and see my life and how blessed I am and live in the bliss of having a wonderful family and a great support system.  Days like today my logic tells me to do that.  At the same time though, my emotions are saying, “screw you, it’s a bad day and there is no amount of logic that is going to make up for the fact that you are an idiot and unworthy of the breath you take.” I'm leaving out the profanity that my mind seems to think is okay to tell myself even though I try and be a Christian and that in no way reflects how a Christian speaks.

I can’t trust how I am feeling.  It has taken lots of therapy to get to this point (full disclosure...I haven’t been back to therapy in about three years). So, it is getting harder to rely on the logic to get through days like today because my emotions are starting to win these battles.  The negative thoughts start giving life to negative emotions and that begins to affect my entire being.

I know what you are thinking...read God’s word, study, pray and He will bring that to you.  Absolutely, that is true.  I do read and study daily. I wish it were that easy to erase all the negative and live the Godly life that I want so much to live all the time.  Bipolar is a disease that doesn’t always allow you to do that.  I just pray that come time for me to stand in front of God for the judgement that He knows I tried even on the hardest days.  

Looking at this through someone else’s eyes I would be saying how blessed they are in their life.  I know that to be true of my own life, but that is what bipolar does.  I HATE having this and just wish so much I could just be “normal.” My mind goes to dark places and I have to fight to keep myself out of the “feeling” mode.  I have to remain logical. I would be lying to say I never have to have help with that. There is a reason our code word is “logic.” 

Today is a day I wish I could just be in the room by myself and cover my head to so that I don’t have to work so hard to just be okay. Someone told me a few months ago that people had no idea how hard they worked just to make their lives appear normal to everyone else.  I can so totally relate to that on so many levels.  It’s just such a hard day for me today.  I begin questioning everything.  Why is it like this? 

Then lets add in the guilt for good measure.  Lets add in how guilty I feel because I even have these thoughts when I have such a great family and a supportive husband that loves me. What can I tell you...it’s the nature of the disease. I can’t help it.  I am trying to help it, but it seems that I just can’t on some days.  Logic tells me to just suck it up, but when the pain from my body compounds what is already a hard day, it feels nearly impossible to get myself together.

Anyone who has ever dealt with depression knows that it has nothing to do with the people around you, but it is about you yourself.  It is a mental disease and it can’t be helped. It can be managed, but you can’t just decide that you are being a big baby and just get over it.  Oh, how I wish that were so because life would be much easier if we could do that.  The guilt wouldn’t be so heavy either.  

These Lupron treatments are helping with the pain in my body to some degree, but today has been a really bad day.  It’s just so painful and adding in the bipolar swing as well and that makes it just about all I can take today.      

Jacob is so mature for his age and has to understand things that are not fair for him at only 9 years old. (insert more guilt here)  He knows that he is autistic and just as it is part of who he is so is my bipolar a part of who I am.  It is just something that I have and I can’t help it nor can I get rid of it.  He knows that when I am having a hard day that I am usually just very quiet.  Maybe that is the mother in me, but never could I live with myself if I ever made him feel bad because of my own disease. So, I just stay pretty quiet most the day and deal with it as best I can.  It is not the snapping, hateful type of depression for me.  It’s the unworthy, not good enough feeling that I have that overwhelms me.  He, of course, doesn’t know that.  He shouldn’t know that. He just understands that mom isn’t feeling well and we just move on as best we can.  It may be a day that he is just hanging out reading, watching a movie and doing only math and language arts because he can do those on the Ipad without much instruction.  That is okay.  Sometimes, rarely, those are just our days.  This is NOT his fault and I am thankful that he understands mom just doesn’t feel well and it isn’t his fault.  His therapist is a tremendous help in getting him to understand that.  He went for a session this morning and she knew something wasn't right with me.  They talked about it during his session and she talked with me afterwards and she said he gets it.  

God absolutely has the power to swoop in and take all these feelings and all the pain away and make everything right.  There is no doubt about that.  However, I don't think that is how He works. I do know enough to trust Him though and if this is the burden I bear then there must be a reason why.  The best thing I know is to trust Him and walk this path without giving up in the end. I gotta tell you though, that is getting harder and harder to do on days like today.

So many people suffer from different things and their pain is, no doubt, much worse than mine.  (insert more guilt) However, I write to bring awareness and healing to myself because, while that is true that others suffer far worse, that doesn't make my pain any less real to me.  

Keepin' it Real: Why I really wrote the "love" post...

So, let me tell you why I really wrote the “love” entry on the blog. It’s easy to overlook those small evenings that make up memories as time moves on.  Mental illness isn’t very forgiving when it comes to your bad days. The swing of bipolar can be a very big gap. The bad days, when the depression side of it has set in, can last for days.  Sometimes it overshadows all reason and makes you forget the reality of what life is really like when you are stable. The logic of what really is tells me what a great family I have and how very lucky I am to be part of a unit that is so close.  That is absolutely true and  in my head I know that to be what really is even though it might not be what I am feeling.  You can’t always trust your feelings when you are bipolar.  Logic is more your friend than feelings. 

See what I mean...  Now, don’t get me wrong, I FEEL loved, blessed and absolutely grateful for all that my life has become. It’s just that sometimes that part gets lost when the swing from manic hits the bottom side of the depression.  I keep these posts of memories like yesterday to help remind me of what it is really like on a daily basis.  It helps me realize how loved I am and that this family is the most important thing in the world.  It doesn’t take away the depression and, in fact, it doesn’t really actually do anything more than just help me to realize the good times and to think on those. It’s almost like reading a really great book and you get lost inside of it.  I can look back on pictures, memories and read my thoughts and realize just how precious those times can be and how I don’t want to forget them.  

My memory is weird in that I can’t always find my memories.  I think it was a skill I developed as a kid in forgetting things and now it seems I can’t always keep my memories even when I want desperately to hold onto them.

I can’t imagine being on Dan’s side of things.  He is very understanding and knows that sometimes, not often, but sometimes there is a side to me that isn’t very pleasant and can be very hurtful. I try not to be that way, but when you are not thinking clearly, you are also not thinking rationally.  I’m very lucky that he understands that.  Maybe that is why we are made for each other.  Him having PTSD helps him know that mental illness is something you cannot help and you just have to accept it for what it is and love the other person through it.  I think that is really all any of us want is to be accepted fully for what we are and not judged for what we are not.  

It’s a romantic thought to think that we don’t ever get out of control and that love will carry us through every single day and we never say anything we don’t mean.  I wish that were true, but it simply isn’t.  Our commitment is what we use to see us through to the other side of it and it does. Then, we just work from there.  That’s how our little world goes around.  

There are days that I do forget my meds and Dan is quick to let me know it.  I mean, seriously, when you take 7 pills a day, you tend to forget 1 or 2 sometimes.  Now, that can make for a fun day around here depending on the lack of sleep that goes along with it...haha. Insomnia used to not be a problem, but with the Lupron injections it has definitely become and issue. So, sometimes I have to add in an 8th medication in taking something to help me sleep. I'm telling you...fun times around our neck of the woods.



More than anything I want to be a Christian.  I would love to tell you that being a Christian and living for God takes away all these challenges and makes your mind clear and your life perfect, but it doesn’t. Instead, I am not just bipolar, but I am a bipolar Christian.  That is okay though because as much as Dan loves and accepts me...that doesn't even compare to the love that God has for me and the acceptance he extends to me daily.  I’m so thankful his mercy is new everyday because I seem to need it more and more each day especially through the hard times.  Somehow, God just makes it work. It's true there is nothing to big for God because I just couldn't imagine having any kind of a life without Him at the forefront. God gives us this life and allows us to see the humor in it as well. I like to think God has somewhat of a sense of humor in looking down at me. I mean, really, who wouldn't have a little chuckle at this mess that makes up who I am.  

What a gift laughter can be in anyone's life and He certainly blessed me with two people that can make me smile no matter the circumstance. That doesn't mean they don't have a code word though. If I am getting a little too crazy for even those two, they just say, "logic." That is my cue to just leave the room. Jacob understands that when I leave the room after they use the code word that I am going to go and think about what is happening. Like I say, you can't always trust how you feel when you are bipolar. So, that helps me go into my room and sometimes even make a list of what is happening so I can think through it. How weird is that? It helps though..

Love: Seeing with your heart helps you open your eyes...

I absolutely LOVE this time of year.  So many people get upset because Christmas decorations are out already and the carols are playing on the radio before Thanksgiving.  But, I tell you though, I am one of those people that adores the holiday season. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays and Christmas is absolutely the best. Having the Christmas decorations out only makes me more thankful daily and come Thanksgiving my heart is absolutely overflowing with gratitude. It should be that way everyday, but if I am being honest, I get caught up in life and sometimes forget just how blessed I am in this life.

In the summer 2001 Dan left for Bosnia and was gone during the holiday season.  It was the worst Christmas and Thanksgiving was just not the same. I’ve never been a big football fan, but I couldn’t wait for the season to begin. I knew that once football season started and before the Super Bowl was played that he would be home. When you are counting days until he comes back you start doing things like measuring the time by football season and then you start looking at expiration dates on the milk and thinking that he will be home before the milk expires. haha… It’s funny how you do that when your husband is gone.

It was not a fun holiday season for us. Christmas Eve finally rolled around and I found myself sitting in this big empty house missing Dan like crazy and had a few decorations out, but not a tree.  I was so sad having him gone. The thing about us is that we don’t do well apart from each other . We have had our ups and downs and even separated for a time, but somehow I knew, even through that time, that we would be back together. It’s just the way it works. We sometimes kid and say that no one else could put up with either of us and there is probably some truth in that. Having him with us at home NEVER gets old. As long as our family is together we can get through anything. That is why I love this time of year.  Now add Jacob in and, my goodness, the joy he has brought us is absolutely immeasurable.

We went downtown tonight (technically is was last night since it is 4:00 a.m now) and it was so much fun walking around in the cold and seeing the store windows with the Christmas trees up. The lights were not lit up as of yet.  That happens next weekend, but it was still nice to walk around.  Bentonville has this neat little ice rink that is a splash pad during the summer and then walls are put up and the surface prepped and you can ice skate in the winter.  The guy was out spraying down water and getting it ready for next weekend’s opening.  All the lights were up and the tree decorated, but it wasn’t lit and instead of playing Christmas carols he had Johnny Cash blaring out of some speakers.  Proud mama though because Jacob was singing along to “Walk the Line.” It wasn’t exactly what we had in mind, but what fun it was to just walk around together and see all the lights hung, but not turned on and the trees decorated, but not lit. You could still see how beautiful everything looks.  

That is what love does...it sees everything lit up even when the lights are not on yet. From just looking at it you would think how nice it will look when everything is lit and there is Christmas music and kids on the ice rink.  Love sees how much fun it was to walk around, talk to the guy spraying the water and seeing all the decorations without life in them yet.  It was a fun night and we had ice cream and pie at The Spark Cafe Soda Fountain.  They even had Andy Griffith playing on the TV and all the Christmas decorations were out in the 5 & 10 store. Jacob looked around in that little store at all the toys from times past and we had a great time just doing nothing more than being together. There was a sleigh out front and we took some pictures.  I imagine we will go back next weekend and there will be more life in the downtown square than there was tonight, but I doubt it will be more fun, at least to me, anyway.

Three years ago we spent a couple weeks in New York City during the Christmas season and it was the most wonderful time and we had lots of fun.  After all, nothing screams Christmas like Manhattan in December. But, I gotta tell you, it’s the company that makes these memories so wonderful.  The time we spent on the square tonight would rank right up there with us ice skating in Rockefeller Center.

Don’t lose sight of what is important anytime and not just during the holidays. Family, love, hope, faith, time together...those are the things to add to your Christmas list.  

Let LOVE help open your eyes!!

So, with that...BRING ON THE SEASON...

Balance: Not just making a change, but finding a balance

Just finished up a yoga video at home this morning. I can’t get to class on Mon/Wed because those are the mornings that my husband gets up early and runs. That is the way it works when you have a kid at home. That’s nothing new though, every parent has to work out schedules for one thing or another.  One of us has a 4:30 morning every day of the week, but it is worth it to reap the benefit of a healthy body and a balanced mind.  

I keep saying that you can’t be afraid to try something new.  You have to allow yourself to grow no matter what your age.  Expanding your mind and embracing new ideas keeps you alive in a way.  This has been somewhat of a new concept for me.  I thought all you had to do was just work harder.  I was wrong...oh, so wrong. Opening your mind is far different than just changing your body.  This is a glimpse into my story of change...

What started out as a very serious conversation with a doctor about four years ago morphed my mind into a self sabotaging monster. After having gone through a lot of hard changes in our life (I’ve shared most of those in previous posts) it took a toll on my body.  I no longer cared for myself and was letting my disease tell me things like, “it doesn’t matter anyway; this is just your lot in life; people get like this when they are older; I’ve always been big boned.” I went into my doctor because I was having some ailments (surprise, I weighed almost 300 pounds). He in the most serious of tones just flat out told me that if I wanted to see my son graduate college that I had better do something with my health.  I was borderline diabetic and my cholesterol numbers were through the roof along with a blood pressure that would make your jaw drop. The way he talked to me was maddening and I was furious.  Then, he had the nerve to say that this was all self induced and it was my fault.  There...he actually said it, “this is YOUR fault.” It had nothing to do with my disease, but everything to do with what I was putting on my dinner plate.  How dare he call me out? I look back now and think what in the world was I doing?  We were eating out to McDonald’s three times a week, fried chicken dinners, loaded up plates of white flours and carbs.  How was this my fault?  

I came home furious and upset at myself more than anything and talked to my husband expecting him to tell me how it was okay and that the doctor was overreacting.  Oh, boy was I wrong. He not only didn’t agree with me, but said nothing much about it at all.  He knows when to just keep his mouth shut.  Although he wouldn’t take my side, he wasn’t about to add to it. So, I decided then and there that I was going to change.  I told him I wanted to make changes and was going to do better.  He had heard that story a million times before, but with each new time acted as though it was the first and supported me as much as anyone could.  What he didn’t know is that my whole family was going to change.  Even his grandmother who was 88 at the time lost 13 pounds when I started making changes.  We had to start giving her protein drinks and buying extra food for her.  They didn’t all like it at first, but went along with it.

It started with trying to walk to my mailbox.  I couldn’t even do that without feeling like I was going to die.  I had a knee injury back in highschool that left me with a few screws in one knee and more scars than I care to have on display. My knee hurt so back to the doctor I went complaining.  When I told him that it hurt to even walk up the hill to my mailbox he said for me to turn around and walk backwards to the mailbox.  What?!?!  He is suppose to fix me.  What a jerk! How dare he?? He did send me away with a contact that was starting up a new program through my health insurance.  She was a runner.  There it was...the beginning of my journey as a runner. Her name was Andrea and she ran marathons.  MARATHONS!!?!??!!  Who in their right mind runs 26.2 miles for fun and doesn’t die.  That is what an overweight, out of shape person thinks when they are looking at her and she is suppose to help me get in shape.  She signed me up for the Predator 5k (one of the most fun races in downtown Nashville).  I worked the program and, as much as it hurt, I stuck it out.  I came home from a very hilly run/walk/zombie crawl session and laid down on my porch before even reaching the door. I laugh at it now, but that is where I was at the time.  But, somewhere along the way the athlete in me woke up again. I pushed hard and worked more than ever. Forward on to four half marathons, Warrior Dash, Muddy Buddy, countless 5k races and the grand finale of the Ironman 70.3 in Oceanside, California.

Training for that Ironman in California fueled my fire to push hard and also for adventure.  Open water swims at Aquatic Park. That happens to sit in front of Alcatraz.  That’s right...during every swim you could see The Rock. I was bumped by a sea lion a couple times, but surprisingly, you get used to that. I ran the Mermaid 5k with a couple friends that winds you through Crissy Field which is beside the Golden Gate Bridge.  These are places that people go to for vacation and I was so blessed to be living there. Learning to surf was one of the highlights for sure.  It was scary, but what is life if you don’t scare yourself every now and then?  Finally, I was seeing what life was like actually deliberately living it instead of stuck in a pattern of just letting it happen around me.  Mental illness will do that to you.  It makes you think you don’t have a choice and that you are dealt this hand and that is all you can do. That is NOT true!!!!

That’s it...that is my answer.  You just work hard.  Well, until your body decides that it has finally had enough of you not listening to it anymore. From one extreme to the other is a hard swing for it to take. I was having a lot of fun and when we moved back to NWA I decided to tackle my Mt. Everest.  That is the Branson 70.3. The hardest half Ironman on the circuit.  In doing that my health was getting worse and worse, but I refused to give up. Then it was race day and I was being taken out of the water and to the medical tent.  That began a long few months of figuring out what was wrong with me and I had five procedures in the process of healing my body for different things.

However, I have come to know that sometimes what is best for you is to balance yourself.  More than pushing hard or finishing a race, it is balancing your mind, your body and your soul. Nothing does that like yoga. I’ve always thought that was a little cooky and that if I wanted to change my body I just had to work harder. After all, that is how change happens. That will change your body, but what about your life? For me...changing my body was not the same as changing my mind.  That is the important part.  Changing your mind to be loving and accepting makes a happy place for your body to live. So, while my body is far from the best shape it has been in, my life is in the best place it’s ever been.  Don’t be afraid of change!!!

 Sometimes you get there ...

But you almost always fall in the process...

DON'T STOP TRYING!!!!!

A Veteran’s War Doesn’t End When He Gets Home: An open look into a family with PTSD

That's Jacob reading a book with his dad. His dad has the same book in front of him and Jacob is following along. He was trying to show his stuffed Tigger (he still has him) that dad was on the computer talking to him.

It’s Sunday and my absolute favorite day of the week. We all get up, get ready and head out the door for Sunday worship together.   

Tuesday is Veteran’s Day and this morning at church a veteran spoke about the sacrifices our men and women make in serving this country and how we thank them for their service.  They provide us with safety and freedom that we couldn’t even almost have without their dedication to this great country.  Pictures were shuffled through on the powerpoint before service began showing those proud men and women in uniform.  Most were not smiling as is the norm in a posed picture of our service men and woman.  Some of the pictures shown were snapshots showing them working or enjoying some downtime while still in uniform.  

Whoever said, “a picture is worth a thousand words,” doesn’t understand the battle that goes on long after a veteran returns home from a war.  Seeing those pictures we smile and a sense of gratitude fills our hearts.  We recognize their sacrifice be it voluntarily serving or being drafted into the military.  It doesn’t matter.  They served this great country and aided in the freedoms that each of us have today. Once those pictures were finished flashing on the screen, I wonder how many of us will think about what life is like now for those veterans.  

My husband served three combat tours since 2001. He did tours in Bosnia, Macedonia and Afghanistan.  While he was in Bosnia 9/11 happened. It was a scary time for us as we were just hit on American soil. Then, in 2003 he was in Macedonia.  He left just after we became pregnant with our baby girl, Kaitlyn.  He was able to get an emergency leave that took him two days to get home so that he could be here with me to deliver our  baby knowing she would not take a breath and was already onto her reward in Heaven. Forward onto 2005, just a few days before Jacob’s first birthday, and he left for Afghanistan.  Dan was hit with a “chinese rocket” and he suffered a leg injury. He was home 9 months later and I knew that wasn’t the same man that had left us.  

I thought it would be the same as before and he would bounce back in time and things would settle back down.  What I didn’t know then was that there was this man that I loved more than anything slowly slipping into a world I couldn’t understand.  It had been happening all along and I never knew it.  How could that be??  We shared everything...how could there be a side of him that I couldn’t understand? I had no idea what PTSD was or that it even existed.  I’ve shared with you already my own battles to become healthy both mentally and physically, but it didn’t occur to me that he was suffering.  I didn’t understand and to be honest, I don’t know as I wanted to understand. It seemed like such a blanket label that everyone is getting that comes home from war now. Oh, but friends, I tell you this...as surely as we sit here today, this is a very real, very serious condition and it can lead to a dangerous place for those that suffer from it.  

Night after night of lost sleep because of violent, horrible nightmares, not being able to be in a crowded restaurant, unexpected explosions from fireworks or even having our son innocently scare him by jumping from a closet can send him into a place that even I can’t reach them. In time he comes around, but it has been a long road to get to this point. Understanding that he can’t help it is a huge step.  No more than I can take away my bipolar, he can’t take away his PTSD.  So, what do you do?  You love him with all that you have, you teach your son compassion and you learn triggers and how to avoid them. Never make them see someone for help.  It has to be a decision they come to on their own.  You can encourage them, but that doesn’t mean there is nothing else you can do. Here is a link for spouses to find support and other resources http://militaryfamily.about.com/.  Also, here is a website for veterans themselves who are suffering.  www.maketheconnection.net

One thing they did different in recognizing our veterans this morning was to also recognize the families of those that have served.  Those of us left behind to be both parents, make family decisions on our own and try to help our kids understand why their parent isn’t home with them.I couldn't even watch the news because with every casualty they announced, I was sure it was Dan until I heard from him.  We were lucky that communication was frequent with us as is not the case for everyone.  It was such a nice gesture because we do seem to get lost in the shuffle of having the parades for them coming home and singing their praise for their service.  I don’t mean this to sound as if it is underserved. Our veterans deserve so much more than we could ever give them, but I did appreciate that someone said, “Hey, we get it, the families left behind also sacrifice.”

Dan is not the kind of guy that wants recognition for his service.  He signed up to do what he wanted to do and would never want to bring glory to himself.  That is the humility in him and I love that about him. He deserves it though. I just wish there was more acceptance and more knowledge that their battle isn’t over just because they are home.  A family member actually said to him, when he said he couldn’t stand being out in a crowded restaurant, “well, you have to get over that.” In that instant I realized the ignorance of not understanding PTSD and how it affects those that suffer from it. I don’t know if they have changed their view, but it is my hope through this post that I can help someone else to understand and get help for themselves even if it is a loved one that suffers from this disease.  You are not alone.

long time writer...first time blogger

One thing about me is that I love to write. At the suggestion of a friend, I am taking up blogging to not only help heal myself, but maybe help someone else along the way.

About eight years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar after a few years of struggling to self medicate my way back to a normal life.  You see, my husband and I had struggled for a long time to have children and finally we were pregnant with a baby girl. She was born in Oct. of 2003 at 16 weeks and never took a breath in this world. I struggled for years with mental illness before that and somehow managed to hide it really well.  In fact, the only person that ever realized something wasn't quite right was my husband.  He has been a Godly beacon in my life for almost 15 years now and I will talk more about him later. Once we lost Kaitlyn I sank deeper into an abyss and what was probably all too soon, became pregnant with our son.  He's autistic and is almost 10 years old. I can't believe time has moved along so fast. After he was born, and I knew it wasn't simply the "baby blues" hanging around, I realized I needed professional help.  With a diagnosis finally came treatment and learning to live in a way that I never knew was possible.  Living in a happy place with my family is something I never knew growing up, but with the help of God, my husband and the right medication we are creating that safe and happy place for our son.

Forward on to the end of last year and I had a laparoscopy because of some endometriosis. In the months that followed the procedure I still experienced a lot of pain and seem to not be able to find a solution.  So, I went for a second opinion and am now in treatment with Lupron injections. I had my first injection last week and some days are better than others.  The fun part (insert sarcasm here) of Lupron is that it throws you into medical menopause.  I'm actually doing well with the mood swings.  Maybe it's the mood stabilizers from my bipolar. ha... The hot flashes and night sweats are not too bad.  I've had a couple hot flashes, but nothing unbearable.  I do take hormone medication along with vitamins and a phytoprolief cream and all that together seems to keep the night sweats and hot flashes to a minimum thus far.

I'm also a yogi wannabe.  I love the practice and it helps center my mind and balance my body when I feel well enough to go to class.

Life is hard, but we love it and make the most of our days.  We laugh as often as we can and love with all we have. So, together my husband, my son and I are taking on bipolar and menopause at 37. And on the days I don't feel like fighting, my two warriors step up and get us all three through another day!