Well, Christmas has come and gone and now we are on our way to a new year.   I love a new beginning; a fresh start; a blank slate.  I’m sure I could think of a few more descriptions if I were to spend some time on it.  However, my point is that we are closing out one chapter and opening another. ha...there was another one!

Usually, I don’t do New Year’s resolutions because I tend to think that we should make a daily goal of being better each day than we were the day before. For me, it’s an easier and more obtainable way of maintaining progress versus staring at a whole 12 months of blank squares that are waiting for me to mark off as a day of change.  One thing I do know is that whether we measure by the day or a whole year at once, the time will pass all the same.  I’ve said before that no one can stand still; time will not allow that to happen.  With or without our approval, time will tick away at the same rate it always has and that will never change.

There are three things I want to have accomplished when I look back on my life this time next year:

1. Learn a new language (become immersed in it so that I am fluent)

2. Complete the 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training Certification

3. Skydive (preferably in Costa Rica in March after we renew our vows)

That is my list for the new year, but more to my point are the daily changes that make a difference in our lives as a whole.  

One way to begin a change is to become a new creature in Christ. There will never be a more important change in your life than to become a Christian. It’s a daily devotion to God that isn’t picked up and put down in a leisurely fashion, but a daily living, breathing relationship that cultivates as we pray and study to become closer to God.  When we do that the chains of the past are broken, we become free and the true peace of God begins to take over our lives.

2 Corinthians 5: 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:a The old has gone, the new is here!  18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.

It can be difficult to reinvent yourself, but certainly not impossible. People know us for who we have been in the past which can make it more difficult for them to accept who we have become.  Even if they refuse to see you as a new being...change anyway. The world may not see the good that you can do...do good anyway.  Maybe you won’t get recognized as someone who has a kind heart because, after all, you haven’t always seen the world with compassion...be kind anyway.  

While you think that the world doesn’t see it, make no mistake that God knows all about it.  That is where true change comes from and that is through Christ our Lord.

Another way you may be looking to better yourself during the new year is making your health a priority. It’s a great idea to think we could just start on January 1st and workout everyday, drink only water, eat whole foods and ditch the junk.

News Flash:  That isn’t sustainable.  There is a reason that we are usually off the health bandwagon come March 1st.  

This is the first in a series of videos by my friend, Lynn, who is a personal trainer as well as my yoga instructor.  In this clip she will address the “S.M.A.R.T.” way to go about making a new lifestyle.  She knows her stuff and will tell you exactly what to do for success.  Lynn is the real deal so head on over and watch her “Where Do I Start?” video here. You can follow her on Facebook at Small but Fierce Yoga and Fitness.  There are lots of tips, recipes and videos or you can contact her directly for more questions.  
**Those are two very important goals: 1. Become a new creature 2. Get healthy

Now, I would love to see you add in one more for this year.  You’ve heard it said that you are never more alive than when you are scared to death...do something that scares the crap out of you.  I know that sounds crazy, but you know what, it is very empowering to look fear directly in the face, smile at it and then just kick it’s teeth in. Sometimes we need something like that to wake us up and realize we can actually LIVE this life we have been given instead of letting it just happen all around us. So, I challenge you to find what it is that scares you and take it on head first!!!

Some of the highlights of my crazy awesome life include moving to San Francisco, which is pretty scary for an old coal miner’s daughter that grew up in the mountains of East TN.  I’ve been surfing in the Pacific Ocean (I used a 9 ft board so the waves could more than handle a longboard), racing the Ironman 70.3 in Oceanside, CA with about 3,000 of my closest friends, open water swimming near Alcatraz and being bumped by a sea lion (it never bit me though), ziplining crazy high lines through the Ozarks and I am not finished yet. I have skydiving on the list this year along with whatever else may come my way.

Top Left: The Rock (Alcatraz) in the background Top Right: Linda Marr Beach

Bottom Left: Ziplining in the Ozarks  Center: Ironman 70.3 Oceanside, CA

Bottom Right: Golden Gate Bridge

Another thing I am very happy about is that I faced the fear of leaving my feet, both literally and figuratively.  As my yoga practice progressed, I was able to trust myself and leave my feet so that I could balance upside down. When you have been morbidly obese, the thought of leaving your feet is very scary. Facing that fear also helped me realize that leaving our feet and taking on new adventures are what keep us alive on the inside.  That’s how the name of this blog was born. I don’t want to live my life with my feet planted so firmly on the ground that I forget to spread my wings.  So, SCARE yourself every now and then.  

There is no better time to do all those things you have always wanted to do than right now...this very moment. We are coming up on the end of the year and it’s the perfect time to say goodbye to all things holding you back. Go...

Accepting Your Beautiful Self: Exposing my numbers...YIKES!!

unedited on purpose so please don’t look at the half hanging lights and sweaty hair :-)

My goal in posting this is really two fold.  I want for you to OWN the beautiful person that you are no matter the size of your jeans (or the build of any other part of your body) and to expose you to the idea that you don’t have to be a size 2 to practice yoga. I’m sure you can tell that I have become very passionate about the discipline and all that it brings about as you build your practice.  The movement of your body is only one dimension of the practice.  

Yoga can be for everyBODY.  If you have ever seen a post or magazine cover with a yogi posted on it, I can almost bet it has a trim body that makes the pose look beautiful and effortless.  While I love the idea that I look like that when I am practicing, the fact is I don’t... not even almost!  

As I said, my goal is to encourage you to own the beautiful you and I can only do that by example so here it is... I’m 220 pounds,  wear a size 16 clothes and the girls could probably have their own zip code.  There, I said it...I put it out there.  Ouch…

It’s exposing to put it out there, but I have to tell you that I really do love this body for what it is instead of hating it for what it isn’t. That is my reality. It will not change anytime soon and I will explain why.

As most of you know, I have come a long way in losing weight and changing my body’s shape. I’m proud of that because I have worked so hard to make that happen.  However, having bipolar causes me to have to take a medication that increases the appetite and slows the metabolism.  That would be easier to deal with if that were the only thing, but I have also struggled with thyroid disease since my early teens that continues to be a problem especially after starting these Lupron injections. Now, add in medical menopause and that makes it nearly impossible to lose weight.  The difference is that I have shifted my focus from trying to lose weight to taking care of myself in the best way possible. That starts with loving myself from where I am at this point and not for where I will be down the road. The truth is that I may never get to that perfect size that I have in my head.  What a sad thing to look back over my life and have wasted all that time hating the very body that carried me through my journey.

The lesson is to do all you can and take care of yourself as a whole. That is where yoga has helped me connect in ways I never even realized when it comes to seeing the link between the mind and body.  When you love who you are, you take better care of yourself and it leads to positive changes like ridding yourself of negative self-talk and accepting that you are ENOUGH just as you are at this moment. (Full disclosure: still working on that one myself; thank you bipolar)

So, I have put it all out there and while my weight is 80 lbs less than it once was, it’s my heart that feels lighter having let go of unrealistic expectations and accepting myself for what I am...a child of God that is nourishing the body that I have been blessed with to try and reach and encourage others.  

Namaste

also...Here is a good resource for how to modify some postures. I would also encourage you to go into a studio and let the instructor help you with alignment and props so that you can experience yoga and all that it offers.  

You are Enough!!

I’ve had a couple things on my mind lately and have struggled through deciding what to write.  One thing I wanted to address was “being enough” and the other was “owning our choices.”

The more I thought about it, the more I have realized that one has everything to do with the other.  Knowing and believing we are enough helps us see the value in ourselves and make decisions to lead us to the best life possible.  So, here it goes...

Are you __________ enough?  

Just insert anything you like in the blank: mom enough, woman enough, man enough, brave enough, strong enough, tough enough…

That list could go on and on.  Why is it so hard for us to believe we are enough, especially women?

When you believe that you are enough it changes the way you look at yourself and when you do that, it changes the way you look at the world.  So, to answer the question above, YES, you ARE enough!!! Just as you are...you are enough.  Believe that!!!  

Believing that does not mean we stop trying to learn, grow, breath new life into something and become a new being. It simply means that in this journey, and exactly where we are at this moment, I am enough and so are you.  I wish I could keep this concept in my own head all the time, but the fact is, I can’t.  My guess is that you can’t either.  

God isn’t in the habit of screwing things up or leaving something unfinished. So far, His track record is 0% on mistakes. I am not sure about you, but that makes me feel better knowing that he created me exactly as I am, even if that happens to be a crazy mess most the time.  

While we are all unique in how we were created, the one thing we all have in common is that our decisions have consequences.  Bad decisions on our part does not mean that God overlooked us or decided we were not good enough to be blessed.  Certainly, our own decisions will influence our lives and change circumstances.  If that were not the case then it would suggest we didn’t have free will.  The fact is that we do have freedom to make choices.  We have to own those choices and also the actions that come with them.  

I’m not going to tell you that the choices I have made in my life have always been good ones nor am I going to tell you that it was by anything except the grace of God that I am even breathing today.  I have absolutely made some stupid crazy decisions that lead to a less than ideal place. However, I have to own that I made those decisions.  While that didn't make my value any less than anyone else's, it sure made me feel like it.  That isn’t a feeling that is easy to shake for any of us.

Realizing that I am enough (even in a bad place) and finally wrapping my head around the fact that God wants me to have a good life helped me know that I was worthy of making better decisions and requiring more from myself. God loves me and wants to be the center of my life. I don’t have to be perfect for Him to want to be there. I am enough for Him to love me just as I am and no matter what mess I may be in at the moment, God still wants me. That certainly didn’t mean I didn’t have a lot of changing to do because I will be the first to tell you that as far as sinners go, I am a champ. I was ENOUGH then for Him to love me and I am ENOUGH now so that He still loves me and I am even beginning to love myself.  

Shifting our thinking is not always easy. If that were the case, we could simply change our mind and everyone would be having their best day every single day of the week. I think the real change comes when we can identify what our own truth is about ourselves and not what everyone else thinks about us.  When we are convinced in who we are at the core, we realize we are enough. All the other stuff becomes background noise and suddenly, we get a lot less busy in our thinking and our choices become more clear.  

You may be in the wrath of some decisions now wondering how to get out. I would encourage you to pray earnestly about where you are in this moment.  Then, take some time to let it sink into your mind that right now, as you live and breath, you are WORTHY. Decide what you want from this life and make a plan...an honest to goodness, step-by-step plan on how to get out of where you are and moving toward where you want to go.  Nobody can stand still.  Time will just not allow it to happen.  So, time is moving on, things are changing everyday and you have to move along with it. The question is: which direction are you going to move?  

      You have VALUE!!        You are WORTHY!!

Trying to get a plan can quickly become overwhelming so if you would like some help, please click on the link below. Cindee Joslin is a Certified Life Coach and the owner of Yoga Story where I practice yoga weekly. We would hire a coach to help us master a sport, Cindee can help you master a plan for your life.

Life Coach, Cindee Joslin
http://www.yogastory.info/#!life-coaching/c1ws0 
(you may also copy and paste the link to your browser)

Giving Thanks For Love: A love story of a different kind

Today is Thanksgiving Day.  We have so much to be thankful for in our lives and not just today, but everyday.

As we sat down around the table today Jacob started to get a little teary eyed. I asked him what was wrong with him and he said, “I’m just not that excited about the holidays.”  After we talked for a few minutes he finally said that he missed Gangan.  

Let me back up a little…

When Dan went to Bosnia in 2001, I had barely just met Gangan and Grandaddy, but knowing Dan was leaving soon, Gangan invited me to live with them while he was gone.  I accepted and she took me to church, taught me to cook and tried to help me learn to sew, but always...she was my friend. My own pappaw passed away in 1994 and I never knew my other grandparents so I cherished the opportunity to live with Gangan and Grandaddy and have them as my own grandparents. Every single time we went anywhere and I would drive Granddaddy would say, “Elizabeth, is our insurance paid up?” hah...I can hear it as clear as day.  They were both so very good to me and never offered judgement of any kind.

Time moved on and when Dan came home in 2002, he and I moved to Memphis as he had been reassigned there with the military. Jacob was born in Memphis in 2005 and we moved back to Nashville just a couple months after he was born.  The plan was to have Dan stay with Gangan and Grandaddy while Jacob and I stayed in Memphis waiting for our house to sell.  However, it sold much faster than we anticipated.  So, of course, we all three moved into Gangan and Grandaddy’s upstairs bonus room.  The three of us lived in a 300 sq.ft. space and were perfectly happy being there with them. I have always said I can live anywhere as long as my family is together.  We lived with them for a few months and that began a wonderful love story of a different kind for us and for Jacob.

Being there daily Jacob was able to get to know Gangan and Grandaddy and loved them both like nothing else.  Gangan would feed him all the time and he would sit with her as long as she would hold him. He was such an easy baby.  As he got older we got him a little jumpy thing to play in and he usually either wanted in Gangan’s lap or in his jumpy toy.  The toy sat right beside Grandaddy’s chair. He would jump up and down in that thing and scream his head off while looking at Grandaddy sleeping.  The instant Grandaddy opened his eyes and looked at Jacob he would stop screaming and laugh. What a stinker!! He would reach his hand out for Grandaddy to hold while he was beside him.  Jacob was so young, but loved them both so very much.  

We lived there a few months before finding an apartment and then after only a couple months bought a house and moved Gangan in with us.  Grandaddy had fallen and was in a rehab facility.  He eventually came to live with us too and was home for two weeks before he passed away.  It was the most peaceful passing for him. He was at home with Gangan asleep in a bed next to him. I say that when my time comes I hope to be as lucky as him; to die at home in your sleep next to the person you love most in the world is a blessing.  

Granddaddy passed away in November of 2005 and Jacob and Gangan have been inseparable ever since. I really think Jacob is what helped her keep going once he died.  She was so sad after having been married for well over 50 years and now she lost the love of her life.  Jacob kept her going and kept her busy. Oh, how he loves his Gangan.

  

He has never known life without Gangan.  She would do anything for Jacob and give him whatever he wanted.  She, at 89 years old, even trecked across the country to move with us to San Francisco leaving everything she knew behind. While she would do anything for him, what he always wanted most was her time and she gave it abundantly.  He has come to know what a valuable relationship that is to have with your grandparent.  Jacob has other grandparents, but he doesn’t see them very much and rarely talks to them so he isn’t as close to them as he is Gangan.  He loves them all very much, but the distance between all of us keeps him from getting close to them. Of course, it made it easier for him to be close to Gangan because she lived with us for so long. Over 9 years!

Circumstances change as life goes on and on Labor Day weekend of this year Gangan went to live in Arizona with her daughter.  Jacob was so sad that she left, but in the last few weeks seemed to be doing better about adjusting to life without Gangan.  However, today he has had a hard time because he is missing her.  I forget that it was merely three months ago that she left. For us, time gets busy and with everything going on, I guess I had forgotten that he is still hurting having her gone.

God’s timing is absolutely perfect! It never fails that he is right on time in any situation. Just after she left for Arizona and we sort of got back to normal, I began these treatments and there is just simply no way I could care for her at this point.  It’s better for her to be in Arizona, but we miss her...I miss her. Much more than I realized I would, I miss her too.  

Caring for someone takes a toll on you and sometimes it gets to be more than you can take, but you still love them. After all, if you didn't you wouldn't do it. As they get older their mind starts to go and the person you knew slowly becomes a stranger. Every now and then though, I would get a glimpse of the woman I once knew...my friend. I miss having coffee with her and talking about everything and sometimes nothing at all.  I miss her.  

Now that Gangan has gone to Arizona Jacob can Skype with her or talk to her on the phone anytime he wants, but it is very hard for him to do that.  Every single time it upsets him to talk with her because he misses her so much.  If you know anything about Asperger’s at all then you know that emotions are very hard for him to deal with and he gets overwhelmed with how he feels.  He had rather just not have to feel that way so he doesn't want to call her, but he still misses her all the same.  I would be lying to say that the feeling isn’t much the same for me and his dad.  Dan misses his grandmother and Jacob misses his sidekick and that makes it hard and sometimes you just don’t want to do what is hard.

It breaks my heart that he misses her, but fills me with joy at the same time knowing that he has experienced what it means to have a grandmother love and cherish him like she has done. It has helped shape who he is and I couldn’t be more proud of the young man he is growing up to become.   

Knowing Gangan changes who you are...she makes you better. That is just what she does.  

Live in the Light: A look back from the light side of a very dark place

It’s a better day today. I’ve been on the mend since Thursday.  Thank God!!! I really, from the bottom of my heart, thank God that I am feeling better.  Dark times are hard, but never has it been as hard as these last few days have been.  

The thing about bipolar is that you do have swings back and forth, but with the right balance of medication, and for me there are other factors, it is manageable.  However, the key is to keep it balanced. When you find what works...stick with it.  That has been my plan from the beginning.  What changed was that I began these Lupron injections which threw me into medical menopause.  I was doing well with the changes in my body and hormones until just recently.  Maybe it is that I am just now getting into the throes of it or because I skipped a step in what I am doing to treat everything for about three days.  It was unintentional, but still, a small skip in a balanced routine is huge when you have bipolar and are going through menopause at the same time.  

In any event, something caused me to really spiral out of control and the pain on top of all the emotional things I was feeling was almost too much to bear.  Have you ever hurt down into your bones and it feels like they are just coming apart from the inside out?  That is what the pain felt like in my body and I just couldn’t get any relief. I went to yoga Thursday thinking that would help and almost didn’t make it through class.  When I got home all I could do was lay down on the couch. I piled blankets on top of me for the pressure and that seemed to help, but it just hurts so much there isn’t much you can do other than just wait it out.  That on top of so much emotional pain and the guilt that comes with not being able to be the parent I need to be was almost too much to handle.  

I write this blog to be open and honest and I know that with it comes exposure. Still, I try to be completely honest because it helps no one to sugar coat what happens and it can maybe help you understand if someone you know is going through the same thing.  It’s hard to talk about and even harder to admit.  You want to just hide it and for years that is what I did.  

During these last few days, I have realized how important it is to get support from those around you.  Having a support system is far more important than hiding so that the world doesn’t see what is happening to you. I would be lying to say that isn’t the sole reason that I am still here breathing and able to write this morning.  These dark days have never been so bad and, just to be completely honest here, I really thought about the possibility of just shutting it down altogether. The pain was so much to bear along with the emotions that were not giving way to the logical side of things and it was just getting to be too much and I just wanted to stop hurting both physically and mentally. I know I have a awesome kid and a fantastic husband that both love me and they both depend on me. However, that is logical thinking.  You are not always thinking that way when you are in such a dark place. Thankfully, I know better now and I knew better then too, but it just hurts so much you almost don’t know what else to do. Please don’t judge, just try and understand. I don’t tell you this to get sympathy or pity or anything like that.  The reason I tell you is because you each have the power to help someone if you have a friend or loved one going through this.  This is how you can help support them. If you know what to do it helps you do what you can. Does that make sense? I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. This is to try and help someone else and to heal in the process. The way that I do that is to write. It’s always been an outlet for me and I love to write.  

A support system is absolutely necessary and just because someone says they are fine, if you know that something isn’t right, trust your instinct.  Maybe they won’t open up to you just yet, but just stick around anyway.  Keep your eyes on them for a bit. Just be there in silence if that is what it takes, but be there. We don’t want to talk about it because there is guilt, shame and you already feel so unworthy that the last thing you want is to have to tell someone and say out loud what a big loser you are in that moment.  You feel like they are going to judge you and say, “how can you feel this way, look at all the people that love you.” Again...more guilt. Just be there.  Don’t expect them to tell you what is happening or have a big conversation about it.  Hang out and watch a movie, do what you would normally do and if the person you are with is acting a little strange, just know that you need to keep eyes on them if you can. Having someone there who loves you and who doesn’t need you to voice what you are feeling is huge.  Just knowing that Dan was here with me, not talking to me or asking questions was huge. You already have so much turmoil going on inside that you don’t want someone making you talk about it out loud. You just need support and yet you don’t want to ask for it.  Give it to them anyway.  Like I say, just hang out with them. Even if they say they are fine,  just go over and sit with them and read a book. You don’t have to talk. Just be with them.  It’s almost unspoken that there is a problem, but as long as you don’t have to talk about it, it’s okay to just be there.  We don’t want to be alone during these times, but we don’t want to talk about it either.  It needs to be okay to just be feeling what we are feeling without judgement and even when we snap your head off, just know we don’t mean it and be there anyway. That is what friends do. This isn’t the time to show how you are right and justified in your action to snap back or leave.  Don’t leave and don’t fight. Just know that it can’t be helped in that moment and you can address that stuff later.  For now, just be their friend and let it be okay that they are feeling bad and are maybe not the best company.  Stay anyway!!

I’m doing much better now and am back on track with my treatment plan and taking everything exactly when I am suppose to do it.  It’s definitely a combination of lots of things that are helping me through this. It isn’t one specific thing that makes me better. I have found a great support system and with God, prayer, my meds, vitamins, phytoprolief cream, yoga, nutrition and really great people in my life, we are making this work. It takes everything to make it work.  I skipped one thing (the phytoprolief cream that gives me estrogen) at night for about three nights and maybe that is what threw me into such a tailspin.  I don’t know, but what I do know is that it takes a combination of things and until you find the right balance it will be hard to get a firm foundation.  

I am seeing the light of day now and recognize how important it is to keep every aspect of my life balanced because it is so important to keep doing what works.   

Life is a beautiful thing even when you have to look through the clouds to see it!

Pain and Guilt: an open look at a dark day with bipolar

What a day…

Rarely do I have an absolute pain-free day.  I have had them more recently than in the last year and a half, but it seems I pay for them afterwards.  Today is one of those days that I am cashing in for the good days.  Now, lets combine that with the lower swing of bipolar and now we have the reason that I have to rely on my logic and hang onto my memories and not trust how I feel because I "feel" like I am less. It is hard to explain, but I feel like I am less than a woman, less than the mother I should be and certainly not the wife I want to be to Dan.  

With medication my swings are not as big sometimes, but that is not the case all the time.  Admittedly, I do have very good days and most of them are that way except for the pain associated with my treatment with these Lupron injections.  But, as a mental state, usually, my days are pretty good. Some are more up than others, but the gap isn’t as wide.  Then, every now and then, there is a day like today.  It may last a day and it may last three days. These are the days I have to rely on my “logic” and look back through pictures and recount memories to remain in the truth of what actually is.  Does that even make sense?  

It would be great to tell you that I can look around and see my life and how blessed I am and live in the bliss of having a wonderful family and a great support system.  Days like today my logic tells me to do that.  At the same time though, my emotions are saying, “screw you, it’s a bad day and there is no amount of logic that is going to make up for the fact that you are an idiot and unworthy of the breath you take.” I'm leaving out the profanity that my mind seems to think is okay to tell myself even though I try and be a Christian and that in no way reflects how a Christian speaks.

I can’t trust how I am feeling.  It has taken lots of therapy to get to this point (full disclosure...I haven’t been back to therapy in about three years). So, it is getting harder to rely on the logic to get through days like today because my emotions are starting to win these battles.  The negative thoughts start giving life to negative emotions and that begins to affect my entire being.

I know what you are thinking...read God’s word, study, pray and He will bring that to you.  Absolutely, that is true.  I do read and study daily. I wish it were that easy to erase all the negative and live the Godly life that I want so much to live all the time.  Bipolar is a disease that doesn’t always allow you to do that.  I just pray that come time for me to stand in front of God for the judgement that He knows I tried even on the hardest days.  

Looking at this through someone else’s eyes I would be saying how blessed they are in their life.  I know that to be true of my own life, but that is what bipolar does.  I HATE having this and just wish so much I could just be “normal.” My mind goes to dark places and I have to fight to keep myself out of the “feeling” mode.  I have to remain logical. I would be lying to say I never have to have help with that. There is a reason our code word is “logic.” 

Today is a day I wish I could just be in the room by myself and cover my head to so that I don’t have to work so hard to just be okay. Someone told me a few months ago that people had no idea how hard they worked just to make their lives appear normal to everyone else.  I can so totally relate to that on so many levels.  It’s just such a hard day for me today.  I begin questioning everything.  Why is it like this? 

Then lets add in the guilt for good measure.  Lets add in how guilty I feel because I even have these thoughts when I have such a great family and a supportive husband that loves me. What can I tell you...it’s the nature of the disease. I can’t help it.  I am trying to help it, but it seems that I just can’t on some days.  Logic tells me to just suck it up, but when the pain from my body compounds what is already a hard day, it feels nearly impossible to get myself together.

Anyone who has ever dealt with depression knows that it has nothing to do with the people around you, but it is about you yourself.  It is a mental disease and it can’t be helped. It can be managed, but you can’t just decide that you are being a big baby and just get over it.  Oh, how I wish that were so because life would be much easier if we could do that.  The guilt wouldn’t be so heavy either.  

These Lupron treatments are helping with the pain in my body to some degree, but today has been a really bad day.  It’s just so painful and adding in the bipolar swing as well and that makes it just about all I can take today.      

Jacob is so mature for his age and has to understand things that are not fair for him at only 9 years old. (insert more guilt here)  He knows that he is autistic and just as it is part of who he is so is my bipolar a part of who I am.  It is just something that I have and I can’t help it nor can I get rid of it.  He knows that when I am having a hard day that I am usually just very quiet.  Maybe that is the mother in me, but never could I live with myself if I ever made him feel bad because of my own disease. So, I just stay pretty quiet most the day and deal with it as best I can.  It is not the snapping, hateful type of depression for me.  It’s the unworthy, not good enough feeling that I have that overwhelms me.  He, of course, doesn’t know that.  He shouldn’t know that. He just understands that mom isn’t feeling well and we just move on as best we can.  It may be a day that he is just hanging out reading, watching a movie and doing only math and language arts because he can do those on the Ipad without much instruction.  That is okay.  Sometimes, rarely, those are just our days.  This is NOT his fault and I am thankful that he understands mom just doesn’t feel well and it isn’t his fault.  His therapist is a tremendous help in getting him to understand that.  He went for a session this morning and she knew something wasn't right with me.  They talked about it during his session and she talked with me afterwards and she said he gets it.  

God absolutely has the power to swoop in and take all these feelings and all the pain away and make everything right.  There is no doubt about that.  However, I don't think that is how He works. I do know enough to trust Him though and if this is the burden I bear then there must be a reason why.  The best thing I know is to trust Him and walk this path without giving up in the end. I gotta tell you though, that is getting harder and harder to do on days like today.

So many people suffer from different things and their pain is, no doubt, much worse than mine.  (insert more guilt) However, I write to bring awareness and healing to myself because, while that is true that others suffer far worse, that doesn't make my pain any less real to me.  

Keepin' it Real: Why I really wrote the "love" post...

So, let me tell you why I really wrote the “love” entry on the blog. It’s easy to overlook those small evenings that make up memories as time moves on.  Mental illness isn’t very forgiving when it comes to your bad days. The swing of bipolar can be a very big gap. The bad days, when the depression side of it has set in, can last for days.  Sometimes it overshadows all reason and makes you forget the reality of what life is really like when you are stable. The logic of what really is tells me what a great family I have and how very lucky I am to be part of a unit that is so close.  That is absolutely true and  in my head I know that to be what really is even though it might not be what I am feeling.  You can’t always trust your feelings when you are bipolar.  Logic is more your friend than feelings. 

See what I mean...  Now, don’t get me wrong, I FEEL loved, blessed and absolutely grateful for all that my life has become. It’s just that sometimes that part gets lost when the swing from manic hits the bottom side of the depression.  I keep these posts of memories like yesterday to help remind me of what it is really like on a daily basis.  It helps me realize how loved I am and that this family is the most important thing in the world.  It doesn’t take away the depression and, in fact, it doesn’t really actually do anything more than just help me to realize the good times and to think on those. It’s almost like reading a really great book and you get lost inside of it.  I can look back on pictures, memories and read my thoughts and realize just how precious those times can be and how I don’t want to forget them.  

My memory is weird in that I can’t always find my memories.  I think it was a skill I developed as a kid in forgetting things and now it seems I can’t always keep my memories even when I want desperately to hold onto them.

I can’t imagine being on Dan’s side of things.  He is very understanding and knows that sometimes, not often, but sometimes there is a side to me that isn’t very pleasant and can be very hurtful. I try not to be that way, but when you are not thinking clearly, you are also not thinking rationally.  I’m very lucky that he understands that.  Maybe that is why we are made for each other.  Him having PTSD helps him know that mental illness is something you cannot help and you just have to accept it for what it is and love the other person through it.  I think that is really all any of us want is to be accepted fully for what we are and not judged for what we are not.  

It’s a romantic thought to think that we don’t ever get out of control and that love will carry us through every single day and we never say anything we don’t mean.  I wish that were true, but it simply isn’t.  Our commitment is what we use to see us through to the other side of it and it does. Then, we just work from there.  That’s how our little world goes around.  

There are days that I do forget my meds and Dan is quick to let me know it.  I mean, seriously, when you take 7 pills a day, you tend to forget 1 or 2 sometimes.  Now, that can make for a fun day around here depending on the lack of sleep that goes along with it...haha. Insomnia used to not be a problem, but with the Lupron injections it has definitely become and issue. So, sometimes I have to add in an 8th medication in taking something to help me sleep. I'm telling you...fun times around our neck of the woods.



More than anything I want to be a Christian.  I would love to tell you that being a Christian and living for God takes away all these challenges and makes your mind clear and your life perfect, but it doesn’t. Instead, I am not just bipolar, but I am a bipolar Christian.  That is okay though because as much as Dan loves and accepts me...that doesn't even compare to the love that God has for me and the acceptance he extends to me daily.  I’m so thankful his mercy is new everyday because I seem to need it more and more each day especially through the hard times.  Somehow, God just makes it work. It's true there is nothing to big for God because I just couldn't imagine having any kind of a life without Him at the forefront. God gives us this life and allows us to see the humor in it as well. I like to think God has somewhat of a sense of humor in looking down at me. I mean, really, who wouldn't have a little chuckle at this mess that makes up who I am.  

What a gift laughter can be in anyone's life and He certainly blessed me with two people that can make me smile no matter the circumstance. That doesn't mean they don't have a code word though. If I am getting a little too crazy for even those two, they just say, "logic." That is my cue to just leave the room. Jacob understands that when I leave the room after they use the code word that I am going to go and think about what is happening. Like I say, you can't always trust how you feel when you are bipolar. So, that helps me go into my room and sometimes even make a list of what is happening so I can think through it. How weird is that? It helps though..