Bipolar and Making a Change: I just can’t seem to get it right...

Bipolar and Making a Change:  I just can’t seem to get it right...  

Wow...so here we go again.  In my attempt to transform into the most authentic version of me, I have dropped the ball somewhere along the way.  Why is it that I do that?

It feels like I put in the effort to change and become the wife I long to be allowing my husband to lead (there is a difference in leading and dominating),  becoming more respectful in my communication, more humble in my spiritual life and more patient in my role as a mother.  While I admit that it does feel like I am trying, the fact is that I am failing miserably.  

I love the idea of living the most beautiful, authentic life possible.  That is what draws me and I know in my heart where my passion lies.  I know what it is that sets my soul on fire to live in a way that brings out the best in me.  For some reason, I can’t pull the curtain back all the way.  Just when it feels like I am making some headway, I face the reality of what is instead of what I want it to be and there is such a divide between the two that I wonder if these two parts will ever join paths.  

Maybe it’s this stupid disease.  I absolutely HATE having bipolar.  Some people will tell you they embrace it, own it and function because of it.  Actually, I don’t know any of those people personally, but I am sure they are out there somewhere.  I genuinely hope that is true for them, but as for me...I HATE it.  It is certainly not because of it that I function at all, it is in spite of it.  When I lose the delicate balance it takes to manage this disease, it robs me of precious time that I feel slipping away and there is nothing I can do about it. Usually, I have a pretty good handle on it with a combination of different things for treatment, but sometimes... it just sucks!

Usually, this is when I can sit in meditation, take inventory of what is and get a baseline on where I am in real time stripping away all that is perception instead of reality.  Yoga usually provides me with that platform and that is one reason I have fallen in love with the practice.  However, that isn’t always the case.  There are seasons such as now that I can’t seem to get a handle on where my head is going.  

In doing my daily Bible study and prayer I read and know that in my head this is meant for everyone, but I just can’t seem to convince my heart that it is also for me.  If you have ever been in love before then you know all too well how it feels when your head and your heart are not connected.  Usually, it is the heart that wins out and all things reasonable flies out the window.  

I keep hearing how we should just keep trying, it’s a new day, always a work in progress.  You could almost insert any number of things in the blank there to symbolize starting over and all the chances we have to do just that.  However, when I keep making strides the other way it feels like I am spinning my wheels and I just can’t seem to get it right.  I’m as lost as I have ever been and seem to just be wandering around trying to figure out where to plant my feet so that I can gain some traction.  

I’ll be the first to admit that I am incredibly lucky to be married to a Christian man who believes that commitment is above all else.  He has said before that over the years we will fall in and out of love, but when we are committed that is what carries us through those times.  Thankfully, he feels that way because I can’t imagine being voluntarily married to someone like me with a mental disease that is capable of distorting reality in such a way as bipolar.  It goes far beyond being broken when I am in a season such as now.  

It’s a hard place to live feeling so unworthy of the air you breath yet I am blessed in such a way that is indescribable.  My amazing family never fails to wrap their arms around me, draw me close and lift me up.  How does that happen?  How does someone like me get to live in a realm of love such as I do and them not see this for what it is?  

Self Discovery: Clearing out the past to make room for a new beginning…

Self Discovery: Clearing out the past to make room for a new beginning…

Wow, looking at this blank page makes it difficult to get started writing this first post documenting my journey of self discovery and letting go of all things that no longer serve as a positive force in my life.  I write in my head when I am running or when I am just about to fall asleep and I always think I will remember them and yet, I forget when I wake up.  

I’ve been through lots of changes in the past 15 years just as most of you, I’m sure.  What I have learned is that our lives go through different seasons and before you know it we are almost best friends with change because that is the one thing that stays the same; everything changes.

Often times I didn’t even know it was happening until I looked around and almost felt like a stranger not recognizing what had become of me because it either happened so gradual that I didn’t notice or so fast that I missed the transition...I’m not sure which! What I do know is that is not how I want to live my life.  I want to live this one life I have been given with intention...specific intention, you know what I mean? It’s too big a gift to simply have it pass by without having experienced the magic it holds for those brave enough to seek it out.  

Shaking off all that no longer serves me and beginning again with a new awareness of who I am and who it is that I want to become is really what this journey is all about for me. Starting over can be an overwhelming thing to do no matter where we are in our life. The idea that we might lose progress on where we have come from and surrender to something completely unknown can be scary. Then again, that is how we grow.  We don’t get better as people without getting uncomfortable and stretching what we perceive to be our limits.  

I met with Cindee (one of my yoga instructors) a couple weeks ago and when I left that session I felt a shift in my direction.  It’s amazing how certain movements of our body release different emotions and that can allow our thoughts to navigate to all the corners of our mind.  Yoga is as much a mindful practice as it is a physical one and during that session I decided to embrace the changing season of my life.  This acceptance lends a hand in building from a foundation of strength and understanding of who I am to become.  

Changing who we are at the core is a work in progress and can only take place when we find the courage to open our heart.  Letting go of all the pain, bad decisions and memories that have happened rather than pretending they never existed has been one of the most challenging things I have ever faced.  It’s much easier to shut that part off, seal that box and forget about it.  The danger in that is that it will eventually open little by little and unless we take the top off completely and clean out the mess, we are left merely mopping up the small leaks that spill out over the years.  All the negative feelings, the bitterness, the anger and hurt that’s been locked away is toxic and will spread to every area of your life no matter how much you think you have it under control.  I’m not consenting to allow that box to take up any more space in my life.  I am ready to begin clearing it out and to do that I have to work through what is inside of it which is exposing and opens me up for judgement.  Just thinking about it is very scary, but the alternative is that I keep hurting in silence. That is too great a burden to bear and I know that I don’t have to keep carrying it around.  

The great thing about wanting a new ending in this life is that we don’t have to wait for an event or for time to pass to allow ourselves a fresh start...we need only to look to God and simply take another breath for the chance to begin a new journey.

It’s hard to explain and all I can say is that it just feels like the time is right to begin uncovering old wounds so that I can let them go allowing me to soar from a place of strength and love. God has surrounded me with the most amazing people and a family dynamic that I never dreamed was possible.  

So, I am embarking on this path of discovery and embracing the beginning of a new season in my life with the intention of gratitude, love and acceptance.  When I can encompass all those things and fill my soul to the brim with God’s word, there will be no room for anything less than the most beautiful life possible.  

It’s time...

Mother's Day: Celebrating Life and Remembering Loss

Mother’s Day...  

Jacob: 10 lbs of absolute, pure joy

There was a time that I longed to be nothing more than a mother.  I absolutely loved being a wife, but still...I wanted so much to be a mom.  My husband and I struggled for years to have a baby and I had began to think that day would never come.  I had even started coming to grip with the fact that maybe God just had other plans for us and I would have to somehow find comfort in that.  

That’s an easy thing to say, but how do you do that?  When you want nothing more than to be the one thing that should come so natural, how do you just accept it isn’t going to happen and not have that affect the very core of who you are as a person?  Women are created for giving birth and being mothers.  It’s what our bodies do naturally and yet it somehow didn’t seem available to me.  How does that happen?

Why was I not allowed to have kids when there are drug addicts, child abusers and horrible women out there having them every single day.  I try to be a good person, I’m nice to others, I give to those in need and certainly I love God...why am I not allowed to have kids?  Those are the kinds of things that go through your mind when you struggle to have the family you so desperately desire.  

We eventually went through fertility treatments and became pregnant with a baby girl.  We were so excited and couldn’t wait to have our life together as a family of three.  Just after we found out Dan was deployed to Macedonia with the military.  When I was 20 weeks along I had gone in for an ultrasound only to find out that our little girl no longer had a heartbeat.  It took about two days for Dan to get home on an emergency leave so that he could be here when I was scheduled to have labor induced and give birth to Kaitlyn knowing she would never take a breath in this world.  My heart was broken in a way that I never even knew was possible.  The pain I felt losing her was far beyond anything I could understand.  It was smothering and took over every single thought that ever crossed my mind. It was all consuming and I couldn't figure out how the world was still turning when I couldn't seem to make time go by. Every single minute of the day revolved around grief and heartache and the days seemed longer than a mere 24 hours. It almost felt like time just stood still.

Despite how it felt, time passed and we readjusted to life as we knew it before and soon enough Jacob came along.  Now that I look back, I couldn’t imagine having it happen any other way because Jacob brings so much joy not only to us, but to everyone around him.  That’s not to say we don’t miss Kaitlyn and wonder what she might have been like as she grew up.  God had a plan and we just couldn’t see it at the time.

It’s hard to see outside of the pain you are going through when something like that happens.  Until you grieve the loss you have felt it can never begin to heal.  You, of course, never forget that you are a mother even though your baby never knew life on this side of Heaven.  The hard part about Mother’s Day when you have gone through something like this is that other people sometimes overlook you.  No doubt they don’t mean to, but it’s hurtful all the same.  

I share all this to say lets not forget to celebrate all the women out there who are mothers in every sense even though they don’t have their children here to hold.  Lets celebrate our own mothers, lets celebrate the women that help us raise our children by loving them, nurturing them and giving them another ally in what can sometimes be a struggling place for our kids.  

We need you...our children need you.  Happy Mother’s Day as we celebrate ALL of you tomorrow!!

Paying it Forward: Honoring a hero of 9/11

Paying it Forward in Honor of a Fallen Hero of 9/11

I don’t need to rehash the horrific event that happened on 9/11 because it still lives fresh in our minds and in our hearts as a day that forever changed the dynamics of our own safety on American soil.  So many lost their lives that day trying to run from burning buildings and others lost theirs running as fast as they could toward the burning buildings to rescue those inside.  Not a single story is told or any news footage shown that doesn’t bring up tears of sadness, waves of anger and moments of pride for those that rushed to help not stopping for a second to think of their own safety.  

Ever heard of the Tunnel to Towers Foundation? Maybe you know what that is all about, but in case you don’t, let me tell you a little about this amazing story.

Stephen Siller was a dedicated firefighter working out of Squad 1 in Brooklyn, NY.  “On September 11, 2001, Stephen had just gotten off the late shift at Squad 1, Park Slope, Brooklyn.  He was on his way to play golf with his brothers when his scanner told of the first plane hitting the Twin Towers.  When he heard the news, Stephen called his wife, Sally, and asked her to tell his brothers he would catch up with them later, and then returned to Squad 1 to get his gear.  Stephen drove his truck to the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel, but it was already closed.  So he strapped on 60 lbs. of gear to his back, rushed on foot through gridlocked traffic and ran from the Tunnel to the Towers where he gave up his life while saving others.” You can read more about his story here.

Amazing, right??

This year Sheep Dog has the privilege to be participating in the Tunnel to Towers 5k Walk/Run to help honor those that fell that day in service and to the military and first responders that continue making the ultimate sacrifice for our country. Sheep Dog is also making an effort to raise money that will allow disabled Sheep Dogs to participate in the event all while raising awareness for PTSD.

Recently my husband joined the Sheep Dog Impact Assistance group. This is a fantastic organization that exists solely for the purpose of serving others.  Here is a better description taken from their webpage.

“Sheep Dog Impact Assistance (SDIA) is an all-volunteer non-profit organization that serves the needs of the men and women serving in our military, law enforcement, fire & rescue and EMS services – a community of people we call “Sheep Dogs.” For members of SDIA, helping others is a way of life. All members of SDIA are current or former military and public safety personnel with an innate desire to serve and protect our nation beyond their call of duty. This continued service gives us a renewed sense of purpose and camaraderie. Whether it’s helping local service professionals in a time of need or traveling to assist a community in the wake of a natural disaster, we believe that service does not stop when a shift or tour of duty ends.”  You can also read more about them by clicking here.

Some of you may know our family, but please let me share a little of our background for those that don’t.  

My husband was in the U.S. Army for 23 years and served in three combat tours. He is now retired and working in the corporate world.  However, he continues to serve others through Sheep Dog Impact Assistance.  They have done so much for our family in helping my husband obtain a service dog for his PTSD.  I’ve written posts before about how he struggles with this and also the impact it has on our whole family. If you would like to read more about that you can click this archived post.

Our family is planning to be at the event to help represent Sheep Dog, but please understand the funds raised will NOT be for our family, but will send disabled Sheep Dogs that otherwise would not have an opportunity to participate in this event.  This is just another way Sheep Dog is giving back to those disabled Sheep Dogs that have served in one capacity or the other while honoring a fallen hero of 9/11.  

At the end of the day our military, law enforcement, fire & rescue and EMS service personnel are brother and sisters who make up a family.  They all serve a greater cause than merely providing an income.  They are first responders and defenders of our freedom.  When we give to honor one, we honor them all.

If you would like to donate to the fundraiser, please click here.         .              .  

An Open Letter To My Autistic Son: Always be you and you will always be EXTRAORDINARY!

I saw a post on a friend’s Facebook timeline the other day that reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:

If ever there was someone who embraces that way of thinking it would be Jacob. His autism has allowed him this wonderful treasure of seeing the world in a way that I couldn’t possibly understand and I both love and envy that gift.  He sees it in such a way as to unlock what lies in it without doing it for others to see.  However, he lives in such a way that the world can’t help but take notice.  

You will remember that I wrote, not too long ago, about an incident that happened while we were at church.  As I said then, it had been a long time since he had fully broken down in such a way.  That does happen on occasion, but for the most part what I observe is nothing less than remarkable.  If I could just give him a glimpse of how we see him maybe I can help him know just how special he really is...not just to us, but to the world.  

Dear Jacob,

You look around and sometimes wonder why you don’t like what the other kids like, you don’t eat what the other kids eat,  you don’t want to play as the other kids are playing.  You see things differently than they do and you want to understand why.  I will tell you why son...they are absolutely right, you are different. Not only are you different my love, you are EXTRAORDINARY!!!!

I watch you read and take on the characters in a book transforming yourself to who it is you want to become. You see the world in pictures and through your imagination in real time even though events took place so many years ago.  You can dance through the room living each word of a song as you move your body in whatever way feels good to you.  You can sit at the keyboard and play a song and it isn’t merely your fingers moving, but your whole body is playing in unison with the keys.  You can fight in a battle of war because you love history and you see it through your own eyes and transport yourself back in time and unlock the secret of taking yourself fully where you want to go.  It isn’t merely play, it is living in a way that only you can understand.  It’s as real to you as the very nose on your face and you take us with you when you go.  So, no son, you are not like anyone else, you are different.  You are EXTRAORDINARY!!  

Learning comes easy to you, but relaying information isn’t as forgiving when you speak.  Your body freezes up under pressure and you try so hard to be like everyone else.  Never conform to that!!  You are so much more than just trying to fit in.  The letter grades you receive could never measure the asset you are to this crazy world.  We need you this way, the world needs you this way.  We need your innocence, your uniqueness and your autism that make up a person that can see the world in such a way as to unlock the magic that lives inside of it.  You, son, are EXTRAORDINARY.

You will never be class president, you will never be captain of the football team and you may never speak in front of a crowd again.  Who cares?!?!  You dance in the rain, you spread your wings and are not afraid to be who you are and love who you can become.  The world needs more of you, more of your quick wit, more of your charm, more of your eyes in how you see things from a different perspective.

At five years old you looked inside a huge fishtank and said you wanted to be a fish and when I asked you why you told me it was so you can play hide and seek with all the people looking in.  Never stop playing hide and seek with the world, never stop spinning in circles to feel what it’s like, run down the sidewalk with your head thrown back and your eyes closed, jump on the trampoline and just let yourself free fall to the mat. Never believe that you are anything less than EXTRAORDINARY!!!!  You, my son... the world needs more of you!!

So you go take on the world and be fearless in who you are because you my love are EXTRAORDINARY!!!

Product Giveaway...

Giving away a yogi gift package...

Yogi Tea 

Young Living Lavender Essential Oil  .5 fl oz

Yogitoes Splash Towel:  "A DOTLESS towel that soaks up sweat and is soft to the touch.  Place over your yoga mat as a hygienic layer and to prevent slipping on the mat. Hand tie-dyed and made with 4 recycled plastic bottles." 

The towel is perfect for those hot yoga classes or roll it up and carry it to the beach for a relaxing yoga practice by the ocean. 

This is NOT a sponsored post.  These are things I use and love as part of my own practice and want to pass them along to all of you wonderful readers!!  

If you have never tried yoga, enter the giveaway and let this open the door to a new experience!! 

Namaste  

Different Ways to Enter:

Please leave a comment below
Comment on the post over on my the Facebook Page
Comment on Instagram

You can have up to three entries following the above instructions.

The winner will be chosen at random on 3/1/2015

Santosha: What is it and how do we get there?

Living a life with intention!!  

We are all busy dying, but the question is...at what rate are we living?

If you have read anything at all on the blog or followed me on Facebook, you probably know that I have developed a passion for yoga.  One thing I love about it is that most often before each session (be it in the studio or my home practice) we are instructed to set an intention before beginning the practice.  Last week our instructor mentioned santosha.  Santosha literally means contentment, satisfaction. That can be a hard place to get to, but a life changing place to live.

Having set such a strong intention in the beginning made for a great practice and I wanted to carry that over into my life off the mat. The idea of setting an intention for my daily life seems to bring me comfort in a way that I can’t explain.  I’m such a lover of words that it’s hard for me to just leave it at that, but I really can’t find a way to express what I mean when I say it grounds me to have an intention. This is different than a blanket goal to be a Christian and live better each day than the day before.  Certainly that is always my desire, but setting an actual intention in every aspect of my life on a daily basis helps me take inventory of where I am at this point. When I take the time to do that, there is no other way to feel than humbly grateful.  I am blessed beyond measure and will be the first to admit as much.  

It can be a delicate balance to be satisfied with where we are and striving to move forward so as to keep growing as we get older.  The one thing that keeps the scales from tipping too far to one side or the other is gratitude.  When we are grateful, truly thankful for the people around us, appreciate the trials we will face and know that God has never left us then it becomes easier to live in santosha.  I say to live “in” contentment because it is an active state of being that requires a daily decision to be content in all things no matter the circumstance surrounding us.  

I have to say that I am pretty content in most aspects of my life or at least I thought so until I began to really examine where I am and how I spend my time.  I’ll get into more of that later in the post.  Emotionally, I am in the best place I have ever been.  Believe me when I tell you that is a loose statement for someone who struggles with bipolar, but I am in a good place over all.  I have been thinking a lot about my life and living with intention. I’m a self professed dreamer and it is easy for me to take flight and get caught up in doing things, going nonstop or being someplace other than where I am at this very moment.  My faith and my husband are what keep me grounded.  That’s a good thing though; it’s a necessary thing to help keep me balanced.

A daily intention also helps me not to get stuck in one particular season.  As time moves on and our circumstances change so do our commitments and responsibilities.  My seasons have changed in my life and I am in a different place as we all are at some point.  I no longer have a baby, but an adolescent and homeschool looks very different for us now than it did during the first couple years. My point is that our roles change as the time passes. We have to readjust and continue to grow just as our children age and reach different stages in their own lives.  If I continue in the same season then I have allowed myself to be defined by a single source and that isn’t what I want to happen.  

I am a mother second to being a Christian and I am also a wife.  While I love all those things and am privileged to be each of them, that is not ALL that I am.  Being a wife and mother seem to come more naturally to me so I don’t have to set an intention to be either, but I do have to intentionally define how I want to fulfill those roles on a daily basis.  Now, the Christian part doesn’t come so easy to me.  It seems I have been a Christian for about 12 years now and still have some really rough edges.  The intention for my Christian walk knits into every single decision of my day because every aspect of my life revolves around that identity.  

This lends a hand in a study that I have been doing called “Pulling the Thread.” It talks about how we, as women, live in the most abundant era of history.  We have freedom, equal rights and our opportunities are only hindered by the limits we put on ourselves.  The question is...are we using that as a platform to gain more for ourselves or are we using it as a springboard for service to others? The study is in terms of spreading the kingdom of God, but I wanted to take it a step further because I believe this is a lesson that speaks to humanity as a whole regardless of your faith.  What are we intentionally doing for each other, how are we contributing so as to help those around us?

Admittedly, I am still on the first lesson because I want to really go through this with an open mind and take to heart all the things that I am learning.  The reason I am on the first lesson is because it talks about fasting.  I don’t mean fasting as in the traditional way of not eating and using that as a guide to shift your focus.  The end result is the same, but it helps you to set your intention and then fast from those things that are not helping you reach your destination.  The area I have chosen to begin my fast is with anything excess.  

The one excess that I hate to admit that I have is wasted time.  We all have the same 24 hours in a day and time seems to fly by on some days.  I look around and don’t even know where some days go because they are over before I realize what is happening.  This is a hard one for me because I used to have my days planned from before sunrise until I went to bed at night.  Somewhere along the way I have gradually let go of structure in an attempt to be flexible.  What I have found is that my flexibility has resulted in time being wasted on frivolous things like junk TV at night or a little extra sleep in the mornings. That doesn’t sound bad when you say it like that, but spreading it out inside of a day and realizing I spend less time with my Bible study, less time in prayer, less time serving those around me is the problem.  Less time with these things are not contributing to the intention that I set for myself which leaves me searching for the contentment that comes so easily when my priorities are in the correct order.  Making a daily goal to intentionally make the most of every minute eliminates this waste. That in turn does help me find contentment because I know something as precious as time is not being wasted.  

Our daily intentions are so important because that is how our habits form.  We can’t allow our days to be so hurried that we lose them.  Time is too valuable for us to let that happen.  

Contentment can be a found in the unlikeliest places.  After all, if we are looking for it in a specific realm, we may never find it.  That is the point, right? We don’t go looking for it, we merely find it where we are; it’s been there all along...

So, would setting an intention for your day help you reach where you want to go?