Mother’s Day...
Jacob: 10 lbs of absolute, pure joy
There was a time that I longed to be nothing more than a mother. I absolutely loved being a wife, but still...I wanted so much to be a mom. My husband and I struggled for years to have a baby and I had began to think that day would never come. I had even started coming to grip with the fact that maybe God just had other plans for us and I would have to somehow find comfort in that.
That’s an easy thing to say, but how do you do that? When you want nothing more than to be the one thing that should come so natural, how do you just accept it isn’t going to happen and not have that affect the very core of who you are as a person? Women are created for giving birth and being mothers. It’s what our bodies do naturally and yet it somehow didn’t seem available to me. How does that happen?
Why was I not allowed to have kids when there are drug addicts, child abusers and horrible women out there having them every single day. I try to be a good person, I’m nice to others, I give to those in need and certainly I love God...why am I not allowed to have kids? Those are the kinds of things that go through your mind when you struggle to have the family you so desperately desire.
We eventually went through fertility treatments and became pregnant with a baby girl. We were so excited and couldn’t wait to have our life together as a family of three. Just after we found out Dan was deployed to Macedonia with the military. When I was 20 weeks along I had gone in for an ultrasound only to find out that our little girl no longer had a heartbeat. It took about two days for Dan to get home on an emergency leave so that he could be here when I was scheduled to have labor induced and give birth to Kaitlyn knowing she would never take a breath in this world. My heart was broken in a way that I never even knew was possible. The pain I felt losing her was far beyond anything I could understand. It was smothering and took over every single thought that ever crossed my mind. It was all consuming and I couldn't figure out how the world was still turning when I couldn't seem to make time go by. Every single minute of the day revolved around grief and heartache and the days seemed longer than a mere 24 hours. It almost felt like time just stood still.
Despite how it felt, time passed and we readjusted to life as we knew it before and soon enough Jacob came along. Now that I look back, I couldn’t imagine having it happen any other way because Jacob brings so much joy not only to us, but to everyone around him. That’s not to say we don’t miss Kaitlyn and wonder what she might have been like as she grew up. God had a plan and we just couldn’t see it at the time.
It’s hard to see outside of the pain you are going through when something like that happens. Until you grieve the loss you have felt it can never begin to heal. You, of course, never forget that you are a mother even though your baby never knew life on this side of Heaven. The hard part about Mother’s Day when you have gone through something like this is that other people sometimes overlook you. No doubt they don’t mean to, but it’s hurtful all the same.
I share all this to say lets not forget to celebrate all the women out there who are mothers in every sense even though they don’t have their children here to hold. Lets celebrate our own mothers, lets celebrate the women that help us raise our children by loving them, nurturing them and giving them another ally in what can sometimes be a struggling place for our kids.
We need you...our children need you. Happy Mother’s Day as we celebrate ALL of you tomorrow!!
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