Love: Seeing with your heart helps you open your eyes...

I absolutely LOVE this time of year.  So many people get upset because Christmas decorations are out already and the carols are playing on the radio before Thanksgiving.  But, I tell you though, I am one of those people that adores the holiday season. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays and Christmas is absolutely the best. Having the Christmas decorations out only makes me more thankful daily and come Thanksgiving my heart is absolutely overflowing with gratitude. It should be that way everyday, but if I am being honest, I get caught up in life and sometimes forget just how blessed I am in this life.

In the summer 2001 Dan left for Bosnia and was gone during the holiday season.  It was the worst Christmas and Thanksgiving was just not the same. I’ve never been a big football fan, but I couldn’t wait for the season to begin. I knew that once football season started and before the Super Bowl was played that he would be home. When you are counting days until he comes back you start doing things like measuring the time by football season and then you start looking at expiration dates on the milk and thinking that he will be home before the milk expires. haha… It’s funny how you do that when your husband is gone.

It was not a fun holiday season for us. Christmas Eve finally rolled around and I found myself sitting in this big empty house missing Dan like crazy and had a few decorations out, but not a tree.  I was so sad having him gone. The thing about us is that we don’t do well apart from each other . We have had our ups and downs and even separated for a time, but somehow I knew, even through that time, that we would be back together. It’s just the way it works. We sometimes kid and say that no one else could put up with either of us and there is probably some truth in that. Having him with us at home NEVER gets old. As long as our family is together we can get through anything. That is why I love this time of year.  Now add Jacob in and, my goodness, the joy he has brought us is absolutely immeasurable.

We went downtown tonight (technically is was last night since it is 4:00 a.m now) and it was so much fun walking around in the cold and seeing the store windows with the Christmas trees up. The lights were not lit up as of yet.  That happens next weekend, but it was still nice to walk around.  Bentonville has this neat little ice rink that is a splash pad during the summer and then walls are put up and the surface prepped and you can ice skate in the winter.  The guy was out spraying down water and getting it ready for next weekend’s opening.  All the lights were up and the tree decorated, but it wasn’t lit and instead of playing Christmas carols he had Johnny Cash blaring out of some speakers.  Proud mama though because Jacob was singing along to “Walk the Line.” It wasn’t exactly what we had in mind, but what fun it was to just walk around together and see all the lights hung, but not turned on and the trees decorated, but not lit. You could still see how beautiful everything looks.  

That is what love does...it sees everything lit up even when the lights are not on yet. From just looking at it you would think how nice it will look when everything is lit and there is Christmas music and kids on the ice rink.  Love sees how much fun it was to walk around, talk to the guy spraying the water and seeing all the decorations without life in them yet.  It was a fun night and we had ice cream and pie at The Spark Cafe Soda Fountain.  They even had Andy Griffith playing on the TV and all the Christmas decorations were out in the 5 & 10 store. Jacob looked around in that little store at all the toys from times past and we had a great time just doing nothing more than being together. There was a sleigh out front and we took some pictures.  I imagine we will go back next weekend and there will be more life in the downtown square than there was tonight, but I doubt it will be more fun, at least to me, anyway.

Three years ago we spent a couple weeks in New York City during the Christmas season and it was the most wonderful time and we had lots of fun.  After all, nothing screams Christmas like Manhattan in December. But, I gotta tell you, it’s the company that makes these memories so wonderful.  The time we spent on the square tonight would rank right up there with us ice skating in Rockefeller Center.

Don’t lose sight of what is important anytime and not just during the holidays. Family, love, hope, faith, time together...those are the things to add to your Christmas list.  

Let LOVE help open your eyes!!

So, with that...BRING ON THE SEASON...

Balance: Not just making a change, but finding a balance

Just finished up a yoga video at home this morning. I can’t get to class on Mon/Wed because those are the mornings that my husband gets up early and runs. That is the way it works when you have a kid at home. That’s nothing new though, every parent has to work out schedules for one thing or another.  One of us has a 4:30 morning every day of the week, but it is worth it to reap the benefit of a healthy body and a balanced mind.  

I keep saying that you can’t be afraid to try something new.  You have to allow yourself to grow no matter what your age.  Expanding your mind and embracing new ideas keeps you alive in a way.  This has been somewhat of a new concept for me.  I thought all you had to do was just work harder.  I was wrong...oh, so wrong. Opening your mind is far different than just changing your body.  This is a glimpse into my story of change...

What started out as a very serious conversation with a doctor about four years ago morphed my mind into a self sabotaging monster. After having gone through a lot of hard changes in our life (I’ve shared most of those in previous posts) it took a toll on my body.  I no longer cared for myself and was letting my disease tell me things like, “it doesn’t matter anyway; this is just your lot in life; people get like this when they are older; I’ve always been big boned.” I went into my doctor because I was having some ailments (surprise, I weighed almost 300 pounds). He in the most serious of tones just flat out told me that if I wanted to see my son graduate college that I had better do something with my health.  I was borderline diabetic and my cholesterol numbers were through the roof along with a blood pressure that would make your jaw drop. The way he talked to me was maddening and I was furious.  Then, he had the nerve to say that this was all self induced and it was my fault.  There...he actually said it, “this is YOUR fault.” It had nothing to do with my disease, but everything to do with what I was putting on my dinner plate.  How dare he call me out? I look back now and think what in the world was I doing?  We were eating out to McDonald’s three times a week, fried chicken dinners, loaded up plates of white flours and carbs.  How was this my fault?  

I came home furious and upset at myself more than anything and talked to my husband expecting him to tell me how it was okay and that the doctor was overreacting.  Oh, boy was I wrong. He not only didn’t agree with me, but said nothing much about it at all.  He knows when to just keep his mouth shut.  Although he wouldn’t take my side, he wasn’t about to add to it. So, I decided then and there that I was going to change.  I told him I wanted to make changes and was going to do better.  He had heard that story a million times before, but with each new time acted as though it was the first and supported me as much as anyone could.  What he didn’t know is that my whole family was going to change.  Even his grandmother who was 88 at the time lost 13 pounds when I started making changes.  We had to start giving her protein drinks and buying extra food for her.  They didn’t all like it at first, but went along with it.

It started with trying to walk to my mailbox.  I couldn’t even do that without feeling like I was going to die.  I had a knee injury back in highschool that left me with a few screws in one knee and more scars than I care to have on display. My knee hurt so back to the doctor I went complaining.  When I told him that it hurt to even walk up the hill to my mailbox he said for me to turn around and walk backwards to the mailbox.  What?!?!  He is suppose to fix me.  What a jerk! How dare he?? He did send me away with a contact that was starting up a new program through my health insurance.  She was a runner.  There it was...the beginning of my journey as a runner. Her name was Andrea and she ran marathons.  MARATHONS!!?!??!!  Who in their right mind runs 26.2 miles for fun and doesn’t die.  That is what an overweight, out of shape person thinks when they are looking at her and she is suppose to help me get in shape.  She signed me up for the Predator 5k (one of the most fun races in downtown Nashville).  I worked the program and, as much as it hurt, I stuck it out.  I came home from a very hilly run/walk/zombie crawl session and laid down on my porch before even reaching the door. I laugh at it now, but that is where I was at the time.  But, somewhere along the way the athlete in me woke up again. I pushed hard and worked more than ever. Forward on to four half marathons, Warrior Dash, Muddy Buddy, countless 5k races and the grand finale of the Ironman 70.3 in Oceanside, California.

Training for that Ironman in California fueled my fire to push hard and also for adventure.  Open water swims at Aquatic Park. That happens to sit in front of Alcatraz.  That’s right...during every swim you could see The Rock. I was bumped by a sea lion a couple times, but surprisingly, you get used to that. I ran the Mermaid 5k with a couple friends that winds you through Crissy Field which is beside the Golden Gate Bridge.  These are places that people go to for vacation and I was so blessed to be living there. Learning to surf was one of the highlights for sure.  It was scary, but what is life if you don’t scare yourself every now and then?  Finally, I was seeing what life was like actually deliberately living it instead of stuck in a pattern of just letting it happen around me.  Mental illness will do that to you.  It makes you think you don’t have a choice and that you are dealt this hand and that is all you can do. That is NOT true!!!!

That’s it...that is my answer.  You just work hard.  Well, until your body decides that it has finally had enough of you not listening to it anymore. From one extreme to the other is a hard swing for it to take. I was having a lot of fun and when we moved back to NWA I decided to tackle my Mt. Everest.  That is the Branson 70.3. The hardest half Ironman on the circuit.  In doing that my health was getting worse and worse, but I refused to give up. Then it was race day and I was being taken out of the water and to the medical tent.  That began a long few months of figuring out what was wrong with me and I had five procedures in the process of healing my body for different things.

However, I have come to know that sometimes what is best for you is to balance yourself.  More than pushing hard or finishing a race, it is balancing your mind, your body and your soul. Nothing does that like yoga. I’ve always thought that was a little cooky and that if I wanted to change my body I just had to work harder. After all, that is how change happens. That will change your body, but what about your life? For me...changing my body was not the same as changing my mind.  That is the important part.  Changing your mind to be loving and accepting makes a happy place for your body to live. So, while my body is far from the best shape it has been in, my life is in the best place it’s ever been.  Don’t be afraid of change!!!

 Sometimes you get there ...

But you almost always fall in the process...

DON'T STOP TRYING!!!!!

A Veteran’s War Doesn’t End When He Gets Home: An open look into a family with PTSD

That's Jacob reading a book with his dad. His dad has the same book in front of him and Jacob is following along. He was trying to show his stuffed Tigger (he still has him) that dad was on the computer talking to him.

It’s Sunday and my absolute favorite day of the week. We all get up, get ready and head out the door for Sunday worship together.   

Tuesday is Veteran’s Day and this morning at church a veteran spoke about the sacrifices our men and women make in serving this country and how we thank them for their service.  They provide us with safety and freedom that we couldn’t even almost have without their dedication to this great country.  Pictures were shuffled through on the powerpoint before service began showing those proud men and women in uniform.  Most were not smiling as is the norm in a posed picture of our service men and woman.  Some of the pictures shown were snapshots showing them working or enjoying some downtime while still in uniform.  

Whoever said, “a picture is worth a thousand words,” doesn’t understand the battle that goes on long after a veteran returns home from a war.  Seeing those pictures we smile and a sense of gratitude fills our hearts.  We recognize their sacrifice be it voluntarily serving or being drafted into the military.  It doesn’t matter.  They served this great country and aided in the freedoms that each of us have today. Once those pictures were finished flashing on the screen, I wonder how many of us will think about what life is like now for those veterans.  

My husband served three combat tours since 2001. He did tours in Bosnia, Macedonia and Afghanistan.  While he was in Bosnia 9/11 happened. It was a scary time for us as we were just hit on American soil. Then, in 2003 he was in Macedonia.  He left just after we became pregnant with our baby girl, Kaitlyn.  He was able to get an emergency leave that took him two days to get home so that he could be here with me to deliver our  baby knowing she would not take a breath and was already onto her reward in Heaven. Forward onto 2005, just a few days before Jacob’s first birthday, and he left for Afghanistan.  Dan was hit with a “chinese rocket” and he suffered a leg injury. He was home 9 months later and I knew that wasn’t the same man that had left us.  

I thought it would be the same as before and he would bounce back in time and things would settle back down.  What I didn’t know then was that there was this man that I loved more than anything slowly slipping into a world I couldn’t understand.  It had been happening all along and I never knew it.  How could that be??  We shared everything...how could there be a side of him that I couldn’t understand? I had no idea what PTSD was or that it even existed.  I’ve shared with you already my own battles to become healthy both mentally and physically, but it didn’t occur to me that he was suffering.  I didn’t understand and to be honest, I don’t know as I wanted to understand. It seemed like such a blanket label that everyone is getting that comes home from war now. Oh, but friends, I tell you this...as surely as we sit here today, this is a very real, very serious condition and it can lead to a dangerous place for those that suffer from it.  

Night after night of lost sleep because of violent, horrible nightmares, not being able to be in a crowded restaurant, unexpected explosions from fireworks or even having our son innocently scare him by jumping from a closet can send him into a place that even I can’t reach them. In time he comes around, but it has been a long road to get to this point. Understanding that he can’t help it is a huge step.  No more than I can take away my bipolar, he can’t take away his PTSD.  So, what do you do?  You love him with all that you have, you teach your son compassion and you learn triggers and how to avoid them. Never make them see someone for help.  It has to be a decision they come to on their own.  You can encourage them, but that doesn’t mean there is nothing else you can do. Here is a link for spouses to find support and other resources http://militaryfamily.about.com/.  Also, here is a website for veterans themselves who are suffering.  www.maketheconnection.net

One thing they did different in recognizing our veterans this morning was to also recognize the families of those that have served.  Those of us left behind to be both parents, make family decisions on our own and try to help our kids understand why their parent isn’t home with them.I couldn't even watch the news because with every casualty they announced, I was sure it was Dan until I heard from him.  We were lucky that communication was frequent with us as is not the case for everyone.  It was such a nice gesture because we do seem to get lost in the shuffle of having the parades for them coming home and singing their praise for their service.  I don’t mean this to sound as if it is underserved. Our veterans deserve so much more than we could ever give them, but I did appreciate that someone said, “Hey, we get it, the families left behind also sacrifice.”

Dan is not the kind of guy that wants recognition for his service.  He signed up to do what he wanted to do and would never want to bring glory to himself.  That is the humility in him and I love that about him. He deserves it though. I just wish there was more acceptance and more knowledge that their battle isn’t over just because they are home.  A family member actually said to him, when he said he couldn’t stand being out in a crowded restaurant, “well, you have to get over that.” In that instant I realized the ignorance of not understanding PTSD and how it affects those that suffer from it. I don’t know if they have changed their view, but it is my hope through this post that I can help someone else to understand and get help for themselves even if it is a loved one that suffers from this disease.  You are not alone.

long time writer...first time blogger

One thing about me is that I love to write. At the suggestion of a friend, I am taking up blogging to not only help heal myself, but maybe help someone else along the way.

About eight years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar after a few years of struggling to self medicate my way back to a normal life.  You see, my husband and I had struggled for a long time to have children and finally we were pregnant with a baby girl. She was born in Oct. of 2003 at 16 weeks and never took a breath in this world. I struggled for years with mental illness before that and somehow managed to hide it really well.  In fact, the only person that ever realized something wasn't quite right was my husband.  He has been a Godly beacon in my life for almost 15 years now and I will talk more about him later. Once we lost Kaitlyn I sank deeper into an abyss and what was probably all too soon, became pregnant with our son.  He's autistic and is almost 10 years old. I can't believe time has moved along so fast. After he was born, and I knew it wasn't simply the "baby blues" hanging around, I realized I needed professional help.  With a diagnosis finally came treatment and learning to live in a way that I never knew was possible.  Living in a happy place with my family is something I never knew growing up, but with the help of God, my husband and the right medication we are creating that safe and happy place for our son.

Forward on to the end of last year and I had a laparoscopy because of some endometriosis. In the months that followed the procedure I still experienced a lot of pain and seem to not be able to find a solution.  So, I went for a second opinion and am now in treatment with Lupron injections. I had my first injection last week and some days are better than others.  The fun part (insert sarcasm here) of Lupron is that it throws you into medical menopause.  I'm actually doing well with the mood swings.  Maybe it's the mood stabilizers from my bipolar. ha... The hot flashes and night sweats are not too bad.  I've had a couple hot flashes, but nothing unbearable.  I do take hormone medication along with vitamins and a phytoprolief cream and all that together seems to keep the night sweats and hot flashes to a minimum thus far.

I'm also a yogi wannabe.  I love the practice and it helps center my mind and balance my body when I feel well enough to go to class.

Life is hard, but we love it and make the most of our days.  We laugh as often as we can and love with all we have. So, together my husband, my son and I are taking on bipolar and menopause at 37. And on the days I don't feel like fighting, my two warriors step up and get us all three through another day!