A Heart for God Inside the Body of a Sinner

Summer has been in full swing around our place making for a very busy schedule.  That would explain the absence on the blog over the last few months.  I’ve been trying to put more focus into my daily living and the service of my family so it seems as if the blog was sort of dropped off the list for a while. 

Let me first say that this is off subject from what I normally write about and more out of my comfort zone as it will address my Christian walk and the spiritual journey I am walking daily in hopes of getting closer to my creator. 

Someone posted something the other day that really struck a cord with me.  It wasn’t necessarily the scripture because it was true, but it was the added comment that seemed to knock on my door.  I’m not here to debate the context of the scripture or to get into a heated discussion about how it is applied to our lives today.  I’m simply saying that it affected me in a way that I wanted to address something openly because it seems to have been laying on my heart.  Maybe there is a reason for that and maybe not, but here it goes… 

For a very long time in my adult life, after becoming a Christian, I have hidden in one way or another be it preventing others from knowing about my colorful past or by physically covering myself up to hide what may cause someone else to see me as “less” of a Christian.  Even though there is no ranking system making one person a better Christian than another, I felt ashamed and unworthy of the bonds we can build with each other on a spiritual level.  I understand that only God knows our hearts so it becomes easy for us to judge each other simply by what we see from the outside.  We don’t have the capacity to look inside each other and to know our true intentions so we can sometimes base our opinions off nothing more than how we see each other physically. 

I will be the first to admit that I am far from perfect and have more rough edges than most people you meet on a daily basis, especially those who wear the name of a Christian.  However, that doesn’t keep me from trying daily to live better and get a closer walk with my creator.

2Timothy 2:15 “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.” 

After reading that post I began to think about my journey throughout this year to stop hiding behind a veil so as not to be seen under too much scrutiny because, after all… I am still a sinner.  One thing I have come to know for sure is that you can only hide for so long.  It’s exhausting because you become a slave to the thoughts and judgement of others rather than focusing solely on how we are seen through the eyes of God.  To help break free from those chains, I have made a conscience effort to stop hiding and be completely open with who I am and where I have come so that I could maybe encourage someone else along the way.  At the very least it would be releasing that burden that bonded me to the idea of judgement from others and how I am perceived because of choices I made before becoming a child of God.   

I am created new in Christ so that old person no longer walks in these shoes. – Romans 6:4 “We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new live.” NIV

Wow!!! I get the same reaction every time I read that and typing it out sends a renewed energy through my entire being.  Really!?!?!  It is possible that someone like me who made some really bad choices far after reaching an age to know better could be forgiven and allowed to live as if it never happened in the eyes of God.  YES!!!  THAT IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!!  That is the power of our almighty God.    

We live in a fallen world where our sins are forgiven by our Heavenly Father, but we are not always excused from the consequences of our bad choices here on earth.  Sometimes, the decisions we made have a lasting effect in this realm that cannot be always be undone.  A thief who turns from his ways can repay those he has taken from or a relationship can be ended if it was built in error.  I’m sure I could add to the list fairly easily if I were to spend the time on it.  Then, there is the other side of the coin. There are those sins that cannot be undone in this life.  A murderer will pay for his crime sometimes with his own life through capital punishment or by spending his life behind bars in a prison cell.  If he is converted and forgiven from God, that won’t change the fact that he will spend his natural life right where he is, but it does NOT make him any “less” of a Christian in the eyes of God.  You know what that does make him? A forgiven and loved child of God that will receive his reward just as the rest of us will one day when we wake up on the other side of Heaven. 

You are probably wondering what my point is by now since I seem to be rambling a little.  I will get to it, I promise.  My point is that we are ALL from a line of two fallen people who disobeyed God in the Garden of Eden. That makes all of humanity connected through an earthly bond so we are in a sense brothers and sisters alike. So, wouldn’t I go out of my way to bring my sister or brother into a life for God? Don’t we want to see our family living for the creator of this world rather than suffering the fate of not knowing Him?  How can we do that if we are so quick to look down on someone because of what we “think” they may be like because of how they look or dress?  We are not simply born into the fold of God because we are born into this world.  That is a decision that is made by each of us at different points in our lives.  If that were not so then we would all be maturing at the same rate based on how long we have been on the earth and not on how mature our walk is becoming with God. 

Why do we feel it necessary to judge each other because of what we may look like or how we have cared for our body?  The truth is we don’t really know anyone until we know their heart.  Careful in how you pass a blanket judgement, especially as a Christian, because we can cause them to turn away believing they could never be worthy of a life with Christ simply because of past choices they may have made. God has an open door for ALL of us and it does not have an age limit, a weight limit, a past sin quota, a no marks on your body policy or anything of that nature.  

We have to be careful not to put limits on someone by how you see them physically when you have no idea about their heart.  We could so easily turn someone away from the Gospel because we want to look our nose down at people who may not look like what you think a Christian should look like.  I know I don’t look like it and truth be told, I don’t always act like it.  I would love to tell you that I reflect God with every breath I take, but I don’t.  I slip, I fail, I sin and I am not where others may think I should be as a Christian, but God knows my heart.  When I am trying to do better or change, it is important for other Christians and other people in general to allow me to change and see me as who I wish to become.  Seeing them as anything less does not help them get closer to God.  It makes us feel like we will never be good enough to be in your circle, we will never be clean enough to walk the streets representing God in our daily lives.  After all, you have been a Christian for a long time and you pretty much have it honed in and we see you as a leader for us, but when you seem to think you are better than us, we believe you.  You know why? Because you have been a Christian for a long time and rather than question you, we doubt ourselves.  Is that really the result you want from your actions?

Please be careful not to do that!! When I read that comment, I really felt like they were talking directly to me and I know that I sin and fall short of God’s glory, but I try to get better every single day.  It was hurtful because rather than seeing that everyone is in a different stage of their salvation, it seemed like I was being called out because I may have done something when they think I should have known better.   Maybe I haven’t gotten to where you are yet, but that doesn’t mean I am less than you in the eyes of God.  You have made much better decisions in your past than I have, but that still doesn’t make me less. 

I say all this to say that God is NOT just for the clean, pressed pant type person who may “look” the part.  God is a savior for the sinners!! That includes us tattooed, body marked, rough around the edges, crazy people trying to make our way in a fallen world so that we can get to Heaven and live with our King.  God is for ME!!!

It doesn’t matter what I look like, God loves me.  It doesn’t matter that choices I made have a lasting effect on my earthly life, God loves me.  It doesn’t matter who I was before, God loves me.  You know what…he loves me NOW!!  Right here, right now, He loves me just as I am.  That doesn’t mean I don’t have changing to do to my life daily in order to live in His kingdom someday.  It means that He has given me a map to Heaven that leads to a kind of treasure that is far beyond anything I could imagine…I need only to follow the directions. 

So, I stop hiding!  I stop covering up the struggles I face so that you know there is no sin too great to bring to God for forgiveness.  Even as a Christian we will struggle and I know that I fail God daily.  I make the same mistakes again and then I make new ones (I’m gifted that wayJ) but God is there to pick me up again and again never failing to forgive me for stumbling.  I stop covering up my tattoos because it is part of me and God loves ALL of me.  Some people found them offensive saying I defaced my temple and have said as much to me. It was hurtful because you have no idea about my life and who I am as a person. Besides, that same defacing the temple argument could include a lot of things that I am sure we wouldn’t want placed on the list such as smoking, overeating, drinking, ear piercing, make-up, etc. Any number of these things could be considered defacing because it changes or alters the way it looks…just saying! 

We have to put that aside and be concerned with each other’s hearts and if we are doing something against God’s commands then He tells us exactly what to do about it in Matthew 18:15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you…” NIV. 

However, we do have to make sure that we understand it is a Biblical command they are breaking and not because we don’t know they did this before becoming a Christian or because it goes against our personal standards.  God will judge us by Biblical standards and those are the acceptable rules by which to try and help someone see their error. I've reached out to try and see where I offended them and how I could make it right and understand where I erred in my decision, but they have not responded.  All I ask is that you show me the scripture so that I can become more educated and know not to make the same mistakes. When it is scriptural, I am not offended at all and earnestly want to know so that I can do better.  I can't do better until I know better so simply bring it to me in scripture and I will have an open heart to receive it and will apologize publicly if necessary. 

Passing judgement on someone based solely on what you see physically or what we perceive to be true can be a turning point pushing them further away from God.  So, I won’t hide anymore because I don’t want you to think if you are marked (be it ink, a title, a reputation, mental illness, etc.) that God isn’t for you because He is for everyone.  He loves ALL of you too no matter where you came from, no matter what you look like, no matter what decisions you have made, HE LOVES YOU!! There is no reason for me to hide anything because God will still allow me into His fold and will do the same for you.  It is liberating to realize and fully accept that God accepts me because of my faith and obedience.

So, when you see me and you see my tattoos or watch me spiraling because I forgot my medication or you see me quietly sitting in the corner, know that my label hasn’t changed.  I am still a child of the King!!! There is victory in that!

God wants all of us to come to repentance 2 Peter 3:9 “The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness.  Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” 

My hope is to encourage you to know that God loves the sinners and knows the condition of our heart so don’t hide behind the judgment of others. When we have placed our lives before God and live for him through His word, He sees us as His children and not by what we look like on the outside.

I’m not here to debate what would fall onto the list of defacing our bodies.  That is not for me to say.  I’m just saying that we can’t put one person on the “shame” list because they have one of them and leave ourselves off because we have a different one from the list.  I am here to say that no matter what you see on the outside of me, I am still a Christian and God will call me home one day and none of this will matter anyway. I'd be lying to say I wasn't looking forward to that day.  My family means everything and I love them with all that I am, but I want more than anything to go home and live with my King. 

If there is an actual list in the Bible, please do tell me through the scriptures and the context of which it was written and I am more than happy to follow the word of God and try and help others do the same.  My personal feelings about something simply doesn’t matter when it comes to a command in the scripture. If there is a conflict between my feelings and the scripture, the scripture will ALWAYS win because that is from God.

Now that I look back on this past week, I am actually thankful for that thought provoking comment (as hurtful as it was) because it has made me take a much deeper look into the scriptures and dig a little deeper into my heart.  That is what we are to do and when we learn more of what to be from God's word, we get closer to the King.  

Just a note from my heart to yours…

Bipolar and Making a Change: I just can’t seem to get it right...

Bipolar and Making a Change:  I just can’t seem to get it right...  

Wow...so here we go again.  In my attempt to transform into the most authentic version of me, I have dropped the ball somewhere along the way.  Why is it that I do that?

It feels like I put in the effort to change and become the wife I long to be allowing my husband to lead (there is a difference in leading and dominating),  becoming more respectful in my communication, more humble in my spiritual life and more patient in my role as a mother.  While I admit that it does feel like I am trying, the fact is that I am failing miserably.  

I love the idea of living the most beautiful, authentic life possible.  That is what draws me and I know in my heart where my passion lies.  I know what it is that sets my soul on fire to live in a way that brings out the best in me.  For some reason, I can’t pull the curtain back all the way.  Just when it feels like I am making some headway, I face the reality of what is instead of what I want it to be and there is such a divide between the two that I wonder if these two parts will ever join paths.  

Maybe it’s this stupid disease.  I absolutely HATE having bipolar.  Some people will tell you they embrace it, own it and function because of it.  Actually, I don’t know any of those people personally, but I am sure they are out there somewhere.  I genuinely hope that is true for them, but as for me...I HATE it.  It is certainly not because of it that I function at all, it is in spite of it.  When I lose the delicate balance it takes to manage this disease, it robs me of precious time that I feel slipping away and there is nothing I can do about it. Usually, I have a pretty good handle on it with a combination of different things for treatment, but sometimes... it just sucks!

Usually, this is when I can sit in meditation, take inventory of what is and get a baseline on where I am in real time stripping away all that is perception instead of reality.  Yoga usually provides me with that platform and that is one reason I have fallen in love with the practice.  However, that isn’t always the case.  There are seasons such as now that I can’t seem to get a handle on where my head is going.  

In doing my daily Bible study and prayer I read and know that in my head this is meant for everyone, but I just can’t seem to convince my heart that it is also for me.  If you have ever been in love before then you know all too well how it feels when your head and your heart are not connected.  Usually, it is the heart that wins out and all things reasonable flies out the window.  

I keep hearing how we should just keep trying, it’s a new day, always a work in progress.  You could almost insert any number of things in the blank there to symbolize starting over and all the chances we have to do just that.  However, when I keep making strides the other way it feels like I am spinning my wheels and I just can’t seem to get it right.  I’m as lost as I have ever been and seem to just be wandering around trying to figure out where to plant my feet so that I can gain some traction.  

I’ll be the first to admit that I am incredibly lucky to be married to a Christian man who believes that commitment is above all else.  He has said before that over the years we will fall in and out of love, but when we are committed that is what carries us through those times.  Thankfully, he feels that way because I can’t imagine being voluntarily married to someone like me with a mental disease that is capable of distorting reality in such a way as bipolar.  It goes far beyond being broken when I am in a season such as now.  

It’s a hard place to live feeling so unworthy of the air you breath yet I am blessed in such a way that is indescribable.  My amazing family never fails to wrap their arms around me, draw me close and lift me up.  How does that happen?  How does someone like me get to live in a realm of love such as I do and them not see this for what it is?  

Self Discovery: Clearing out the past to make room for a new beginning…

Self Discovery: Clearing out the past to make room for a new beginning…

Wow, looking at this blank page makes it difficult to get started writing this first post documenting my journey of self discovery and letting go of all things that no longer serve as a positive force in my life.  I write in my head when I am running or when I am just about to fall asleep and I always think I will remember them and yet, I forget when I wake up.  

I’ve been through lots of changes in the past 15 years just as most of you, I’m sure.  What I have learned is that our lives go through different seasons and before you know it we are almost best friends with change because that is the one thing that stays the same; everything changes.

Often times I didn’t even know it was happening until I looked around and almost felt like a stranger not recognizing what had become of me because it either happened so gradual that I didn’t notice or so fast that I missed the transition...I’m not sure which! What I do know is that is not how I want to live my life.  I want to live this one life I have been given with intention...specific intention, you know what I mean? It’s too big a gift to simply have it pass by without having experienced the magic it holds for those brave enough to seek it out.  

Shaking off all that no longer serves me and beginning again with a new awareness of who I am and who it is that I want to become is really what this journey is all about for me. Starting over can be an overwhelming thing to do no matter where we are in our life. The idea that we might lose progress on where we have come from and surrender to something completely unknown can be scary. Then again, that is how we grow.  We don’t get better as people without getting uncomfortable and stretching what we perceive to be our limits.  

I met with Cindee (one of my yoga instructors) a couple weeks ago and when I left that session I felt a shift in my direction.  It’s amazing how certain movements of our body release different emotions and that can allow our thoughts to navigate to all the corners of our mind.  Yoga is as much a mindful practice as it is a physical one and during that session I decided to embrace the changing season of my life.  This acceptance lends a hand in building from a foundation of strength and understanding of who I am to become.  

Changing who we are at the core is a work in progress and can only take place when we find the courage to open our heart.  Letting go of all the pain, bad decisions and memories that have happened rather than pretending they never existed has been one of the most challenging things I have ever faced.  It’s much easier to shut that part off, seal that box and forget about it.  The danger in that is that it will eventually open little by little and unless we take the top off completely and clean out the mess, we are left merely mopping up the small leaks that spill out over the years.  All the negative feelings, the bitterness, the anger and hurt that’s been locked away is toxic and will spread to every area of your life no matter how much you think you have it under control.  I’m not consenting to allow that box to take up any more space in my life.  I am ready to begin clearing it out and to do that I have to work through what is inside of it which is exposing and opens me up for judgement.  Just thinking about it is very scary, but the alternative is that I keep hurting in silence. That is too great a burden to bear and I know that I don’t have to keep carrying it around.  

The great thing about wanting a new ending in this life is that we don’t have to wait for an event or for time to pass to allow ourselves a fresh start...we need only to look to God and simply take another breath for the chance to begin a new journey.

It’s hard to explain and all I can say is that it just feels like the time is right to begin uncovering old wounds so that I can let them go allowing me to soar from a place of strength and love. God has surrounded me with the most amazing people and a family dynamic that I never dreamed was possible.  

So, I am embarking on this path of discovery and embracing the beginning of a new season in my life with the intention of gratitude, love and acceptance.  When I can encompass all those things and fill my soul to the brim with God’s word, there will be no room for anything less than the most beautiful life possible.  

It’s time...

Mother's Day: Celebrating Life and Remembering Loss

Mother’s Day...  

Jacob: 10 lbs of absolute, pure joy

There was a time that I longed to be nothing more than a mother.  I absolutely loved being a wife, but still...I wanted so much to be a mom.  My husband and I struggled for years to have a baby and I had began to think that day would never come.  I had even started coming to grip with the fact that maybe God just had other plans for us and I would have to somehow find comfort in that.  

That’s an easy thing to say, but how do you do that?  When you want nothing more than to be the one thing that should come so natural, how do you just accept it isn’t going to happen and not have that affect the very core of who you are as a person?  Women are created for giving birth and being mothers.  It’s what our bodies do naturally and yet it somehow didn’t seem available to me.  How does that happen?

Why was I not allowed to have kids when there are drug addicts, child abusers and horrible women out there having them every single day.  I try to be a good person, I’m nice to others, I give to those in need and certainly I love God...why am I not allowed to have kids?  Those are the kinds of things that go through your mind when you struggle to have the family you so desperately desire.  

We eventually went through fertility treatments and became pregnant with a baby girl.  We were so excited and couldn’t wait to have our life together as a family of three.  Just after we found out Dan was deployed to Macedonia with the military.  When I was 20 weeks along I had gone in for an ultrasound only to find out that our little girl no longer had a heartbeat.  It took about two days for Dan to get home on an emergency leave so that he could be here when I was scheduled to have labor induced and give birth to Kaitlyn knowing she would never take a breath in this world.  My heart was broken in a way that I never even knew was possible.  The pain I felt losing her was far beyond anything I could understand.  It was smothering and took over every single thought that ever crossed my mind. It was all consuming and I couldn't figure out how the world was still turning when I couldn't seem to make time go by. Every single minute of the day revolved around grief and heartache and the days seemed longer than a mere 24 hours. It almost felt like time just stood still.

Despite how it felt, time passed and we readjusted to life as we knew it before and soon enough Jacob came along.  Now that I look back, I couldn’t imagine having it happen any other way because Jacob brings so much joy not only to us, but to everyone around him.  That’s not to say we don’t miss Kaitlyn and wonder what she might have been like as she grew up.  God had a plan and we just couldn’t see it at the time.

It’s hard to see outside of the pain you are going through when something like that happens.  Until you grieve the loss you have felt it can never begin to heal.  You, of course, never forget that you are a mother even though your baby never knew life on this side of Heaven.  The hard part about Mother’s Day when you have gone through something like this is that other people sometimes overlook you.  No doubt they don’t mean to, but it’s hurtful all the same.  

I share all this to say lets not forget to celebrate all the women out there who are mothers in every sense even though they don’t have their children here to hold.  Lets celebrate our own mothers, lets celebrate the women that help us raise our children by loving them, nurturing them and giving them another ally in what can sometimes be a struggling place for our kids.  

We need you...our children need you.  Happy Mother’s Day as we celebrate ALL of you tomorrow!!

Paying it Forward: Honoring a hero of 9/11

Paying it Forward in Honor of a Fallen Hero of 9/11

I don’t need to rehash the horrific event that happened on 9/11 because it still lives fresh in our minds and in our hearts as a day that forever changed the dynamics of our own safety on American soil.  So many lost their lives that day trying to run from burning buildings and others lost theirs running as fast as they could toward the burning buildings to rescue those inside.  Not a single story is told or any news footage shown that doesn’t bring up tears of sadness, waves of anger and moments of pride for those that rushed to help not stopping for a second to think of their own safety.  

Ever heard of the Tunnel to Towers Foundation? Maybe you know what that is all about, but in case you don’t, let me tell you a little about this amazing story.

Stephen Siller was a dedicated firefighter working out of Squad 1 in Brooklyn, NY.  “On September 11, 2001, Stephen had just gotten off the late shift at Squad 1, Park Slope, Brooklyn.  He was on his way to play golf with his brothers when his scanner told of the first plane hitting the Twin Towers.  When he heard the news, Stephen called his wife, Sally, and asked her to tell his brothers he would catch up with them later, and then returned to Squad 1 to get his gear.  Stephen drove his truck to the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel, but it was already closed.  So he strapped on 60 lbs. of gear to his back, rushed on foot through gridlocked traffic and ran from the Tunnel to the Towers where he gave up his life while saving others.” You can read more about his story here.

Amazing, right??

This year Sheep Dog has the privilege to be participating in the Tunnel to Towers 5k Walk/Run to help honor those that fell that day in service and to the military and first responders that continue making the ultimate sacrifice for our country. Sheep Dog is also making an effort to raise money that will allow disabled Sheep Dogs to participate in the event all while raising awareness for PTSD.

Recently my husband joined the Sheep Dog Impact Assistance group. This is a fantastic organization that exists solely for the purpose of serving others.  Here is a better description taken from their webpage.

“Sheep Dog Impact Assistance (SDIA) is an all-volunteer non-profit organization that serves the needs of the men and women serving in our military, law enforcement, fire & rescue and EMS services – a community of people we call “Sheep Dogs.” For members of SDIA, helping others is a way of life. All members of SDIA are current or former military and public safety personnel with an innate desire to serve and protect our nation beyond their call of duty. This continued service gives us a renewed sense of purpose and camaraderie. Whether it’s helping local service professionals in a time of need or traveling to assist a community in the wake of a natural disaster, we believe that service does not stop when a shift or tour of duty ends.”  You can also read more about them by clicking here.

Some of you may know our family, but please let me share a little of our background for those that don’t.  

My husband was in the U.S. Army for 23 years and served in three combat tours. He is now retired and working in the corporate world.  However, he continues to serve others through Sheep Dog Impact Assistance.  They have done so much for our family in helping my husband obtain a service dog for his PTSD.  I’ve written posts before about how he struggles with this and also the impact it has on our whole family. If you would like to read more about that you can click this archived post.

Our family is planning to be at the event to help represent Sheep Dog, but please understand the funds raised will NOT be for our family, but will send disabled Sheep Dogs that otherwise would not have an opportunity to participate in this event.  This is just another way Sheep Dog is giving back to those disabled Sheep Dogs that have served in one capacity or the other while honoring a fallen hero of 9/11.  

At the end of the day our military, law enforcement, fire & rescue and EMS service personnel are brother and sisters who make up a family.  They all serve a greater cause than merely providing an income.  They are first responders and defenders of our freedom.  When we give to honor one, we honor them all.

If you would like to donate to the fundraiser, please click here.         .              .  

An Open Letter To My Autistic Son: Always be you and you will always be EXTRAORDINARY!

I saw a post on a friend’s Facebook timeline the other day that reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:

If ever there was someone who embraces that way of thinking it would be Jacob. His autism has allowed him this wonderful treasure of seeing the world in a way that I couldn’t possibly understand and I both love and envy that gift.  He sees it in such a way as to unlock what lies in it without doing it for others to see.  However, he lives in such a way that the world can’t help but take notice.  

You will remember that I wrote, not too long ago, about an incident that happened while we were at church.  As I said then, it had been a long time since he had fully broken down in such a way.  That does happen on occasion, but for the most part what I observe is nothing less than remarkable.  If I could just give him a glimpse of how we see him maybe I can help him know just how special he really is...not just to us, but to the world.  

Dear Jacob,

You look around and sometimes wonder why you don’t like what the other kids like, you don’t eat what the other kids eat,  you don’t want to play as the other kids are playing.  You see things differently than they do and you want to understand why.  I will tell you why son...they are absolutely right, you are different. Not only are you different my love, you are EXTRAORDINARY!!!!

I watch you read and take on the characters in a book transforming yourself to who it is you want to become. You see the world in pictures and through your imagination in real time even though events took place so many years ago.  You can dance through the room living each word of a song as you move your body in whatever way feels good to you.  You can sit at the keyboard and play a song and it isn’t merely your fingers moving, but your whole body is playing in unison with the keys.  You can fight in a battle of war because you love history and you see it through your own eyes and transport yourself back in time and unlock the secret of taking yourself fully where you want to go.  It isn’t merely play, it is living in a way that only you can understand.  It’s as real to you as the very nose on your face and you take us with you when you go.  So, no son, you are not like anyone else, you are different.  You are EXTRAORDINARY!!  

Learning comes easy to you, but relaying information isn’t as forgiving when you speak.  Your body freezes up under pressure and you try so hard to be like everyone else.  Never conform to that!!  You are so much more than just trying to fit in.  The letter grades you receive could never measure the asset you are to this crazy world.  We need you this way, the world needs you this way.  We need your innocence, your uniqueness and your autism that make up a person that can see the world in such a way as to unlock the magic that lives inside of it.  You, son, are EXTRAORDINARY.

You will never be class president, you will never be captain of the football team and you may never speak in front of a crowd again.  Who cares?!?!  You dance in the rain, you spread your wings and are not afraid to be who you are and love who you can become.  The world needs more of you, more of your quick wit, more of your charm, more of your eyes in how you see things from a different perspective.

At five years old you looked inside a huge fishtank and said you wanted to be a fish and when I asked you why you told me it was so you can play hide and seek with all the people looking in.  Never stop playing hide and seek with the world, never stop spinning in circles to feel what it’s like, run down the sidewalk with your head thrown back and your eyes closed, jump on the trampoline and just let yourself free fall to the mat. Never believe that you are anything less than EXTRAORDINARY!!!!  You, my son... the world needs more of you!!

So you go take on the world and be fearless in who you are because you my love are EXTRAORDINARY!!!

Product Giveaway...

Giving away a yogi gift package...

Yogi Tea 

Young Living Lavender Essential Oil  .5 fl oz

Yogitoes Splash Towel:  "A DOTLESS towel that soaks up sweat and is soft to the touch.  Place over your yoga mat as a hygienic layer and to prevent slipping on the mat. Hand tie-dyed and made with 4 recycled plastic bottles." 

The towel is perfect for those hot yoga classes or roll it up and carry it to the beach for a relaxing yoga practice by the ocean. 

This is NOT a sponsored post.  These are things I use and love as part of my own practice and want to pass them along to all of you wonderful readers!!  

If you have never tried yoga, enter the giveaway and let this open the door to a new experience!! 

Namaste  

Different Ways to Enter:

Please leave a comment below
Comment on the post over on my the Facebook Page
Comment on Instagram

You can have up to three entries following the above instructions.

The winner will be chosen at random on 3/1/2015

Santosha: What is it and how do we get there?

Living a life with intention!!  

We are all busy dying, but the question is...at what rate are we living?

If you have read anything at all on the blog or followed me on Facebook, you probably know that I have developed a passion for yoga.  One thing I love about it is that most often before each session (be it in the studio or my home practice) we are instructed to set an intention before beginning the practice.  Last week our instructor mentioned santosha.  Santosha literally means contentment, satisfaction. That can be a hard place to get to, but a life changing place to live.

Having set such a strong intention in the beginning made for a great practice and I wanted to carry that over into my life off the mat. The idea of setting an intention for my daily life seems to bring me comfort in a way that I can’t explain.  I’m such a lover of words that it’s hard for me to just leave it at that, but I really can’t find a way to express what I mean when I say it grounds me to have an intention. This is different than a blanket goal to be a Christian and live better each day than the day before.  Certainly that is always my desire, but setting an actual intention in every aspect of my life on a daily basis helps me take inventory of where I am at this point. When I take the time to do that, there is no other way to feel than humbly grateful.  I am blessed beyond measure and will be the first to admit as much.  

It can be a delicate balance to be satisfied with where we are and striving to move forward so as to keep growing as we get older.  The one thing that keeps the scales from tipping too far to one side or the other is gratitude.  When we are grateful, truly thankful for the people around us, appreciate the trials we will face and know that God has never left us then it becomes easier to live in santosha.  I say to live “in” contentment because it is an active state of being that requires a daily decision to be content in all things no matter the circumstance surrounding us.  

I have to say that I am pretty content in most aspects of my life or at least I thought so until I began to really examine where I am and how I spend my time.  I’ll get into more of that later in the post.  Emotionally, I am in the best place I have ever been.  Believe me when I tell you that is a loose statement for someone who struggles with bipolar, but I am in a good place over all.  I have been thinking a lot about my life and living with intention. I’m a self professed dreamer and it is easy for me to take flight and get caught up in doing things, going nonstop or being someplace other than where I am at this very moment.  My faith and my husband are what keep me grounded.  That’s a good thing though; it’s a necessary thing to help keep me balanced.

A daily intention also helps me not to get stuck in one particular season.  As time moves on and our circumstances change so do our commitments and responsibilities.  My seasons have changed in my life and I am in a different place as we all are at some point.  I no longer have a baby, but an adolescent and homeschool looks very different for us now than it did during the first couple years. My point is that our roles change as the time passes. We have to readjust and continue to grow just as our children age and reach different stages in their own lives.  If I continue in the same season then I have allowed myself to be defined by a single source and that isn’t what I want to happen.  

I am a mother second to being a Christian and I am also a wife.  While I love all those things and am privileged to be each of them, that is not ALL that I am.  Being a wife and mother seem to come more naturally to me so I don’t have to set an intention to be either, but I do have to intentionally define how I want to fulfill those roles on a daily basis.  Now, the Christian part doesn’t come so easy to me.  It seems I have been a Christian for about 12 years now and still have some really rough edges.  The intention for my Christian walk knits into every single decision of my day because every aspect of my life revolves around that identity.  

This lends a hand in a study that I have been doing called “Pulling the Thread.” It talks about how we, as women, live in the most abundant era of history.  We have freedom, equal rights and our opportunities are only hindered by the limits we put on ourselves.  The question is...are we using that as a platform to gain more for ourselves or are we using it as a springboard for service to others? The study is in terms of spreading the kingdom of God, but I wanted to take it a step further because I believe this is a lesson that speaks to humanity as a whole regardless of your faith.  What are we intentionally doing for each other, how are we contributing so as to help those around us?

Admittedly, I am still on the first lesson because I want to really go through this with an open mind and take to heart all the things that I am learning.  The reason I am on the first lesson is because it talks about fasting.  I don’t mean fasting as in the traditional way of not eating and using that as a guide to shift your focus.  The end result is the same, but it helps you to set your intention and then fast from those things that are not helping you reach your destination.  The area I have chosen to begin my fast is with anything excess.  

The one excess that I hate to admit that I have is wasted time.  We all have the same 24 hours in a day and time seems to fly by on some days.  I look around and don’t even know where some days go because they are over before I realize what is happening.  This is a hard one for me because I used to have my days planned from before sunrise until I went to bed at night.  Somewhere along the way I have gradually let go of structure in an attempt to be flexible.  What I have found is that my flexibility has resulted in time being wasted on frivolous things like junk TV at night or a little extra sleep in the mornings. That doesn’t sound bad when you say it like that, but spreading it out inside of a day and realizing I spend less time with my Bible study, less time in prayer, less time serving those around me is the problem.  Less time with these things are not contributing to the intention that I set for myself which leaves me searching for the contentment that comes so easily when my priorities are in the correct order.  Making a daily goal to intentionally make the most of every minute eliminates this waste. That in turn does help me find contentment because I know something as precious as time is not being wasted.  

Our daily intentions are so important because that is how our habits form.  We can’t allow our days to be so hurried that we lose them.  Time is too valuable for us to let that happen.  

Contentment can be a found in the unlikeliest places.  After all, if we are looking for it in a specific realm, we may never find it.  That is the point, right? We don’t go looking for it, we merely find it where we are; it’s been there all along...

So, would setting an intention for your day help you reach where you want to go?

Mom's Perspective: a meltdown of her autistic kid

What a day! Actually, what a few days, that would be more accurate.  

Most days we go along in our little world and give little thought to the fact that Jacob is autistic.  We have always told him that it is something he has and not who he is. He knew when he was diagnosed and we never hid that from him.  Our intention was to allow him to know it, own it,  deal with it and move on.  That’s just how we roll around here.  Feeling sorry for ourselves doesn’t get us anywhere and wastes time so we just don’t do that. We do all we are suppose to with therapy and different things. He goes for OT, PT, speech and sees a psychologist. On occasion he has done some social group therapy which have been great for him.  He’s even made lasting friendships with a couple kids in the group and one in particular.  He is the “cool” kid to Jacob and I have to say that he’s pretty awesome and I am happy Jacob looks up to him.  I love that the boy’s little sister likes Jacob too.  She gave him the sweetest card ever for his birthday and said, “I love you” in it three times.  Sweet girl!!

Usually, I get the common response from people of how they couldn’t tell or that you would never know.  That’s great, right? The therapy is working and he is getting older so he is learning what is appropriate and what isn’t.  He doesn’t necessarily feel a certain way, but knows what would be the “right” thing to say or do and does it when in reality he had rather just say, “leave me alone right now.” He is still working on being rude, but in his mind it is simply being honest.  We have always told him that he never has to be afraid to be honest.  I stand by that, but there are ways to go about being honest that won’t result in hurt feelings for someone else.  For example, he is learning to say things like, “excuse me, I need to take a break,” rather than just saying, “stop talking to me, I’m overwhelmed.”

As he has gotten older (he’s 10 now) we have learned triggers and certain situations are just not for him and that it is better to avoid them if possible.  It’s not to shelter him, but really, if he doesn’t have to be in it, why make him? It’s sort of the same thing with his dad.  His dad has PTSD and we avoid loud restaurants, crowded places that will not be very comfortable for him. We do the same with Jacob. We keep him away from a crazy loud place with tons of people and kids because it stresses him out. When that happens it is hard to reach him and get him to calm back down.

One reason, among many, that we homeschool is because he could never function in a public school.  He is in a constant “defense” mode and unless and until you get him out of that, he isn’t learning anything.  It is just a huge ball of stress that he can’t even contain all his senses and it is counterproductive.  I saw a video once that sort of explained how his sensory works different than ours.  If you have ever known someone with any kind of sensory disorder or on the spectrum, please give this video a watch. It will help you understand a little better what it is like for him to try and function.

The outside family doesn’t really get it because they haven’t actually seen an episode for him.  When they are here or we are there, it is in his element and we have been able to minimize the distress for him. We’ve just learned to deal with their judgement and to be honest, we don’t really care. What matters to us is our three person unit. They are not here for our daily lives so we don’t really put too much stock into what they tell us anyway.  

Traveling is very hard for him in an airport because it’s loud and busy all the time. Jacob has probably flown more than his share in his short life, but the good news is that we have learned how to successfully navigate a long trip. You have to get there extremely early (if you know his dad then you know that is NOT a problem at all) and make sure to find the gate and allow him to process things a little at a time. Once on the plane he loves it and then if you have a layover it can’t be rushed.  That is too much stress.  We have to make sure we have at least an hour layover so he can calmly get to the next gate and make the connection without stress.  Otherwise, it is hard because if I am stressed or moving too fast for him to process what is happening it just makes it harder on him. We know this by experience and when done very calmly and not rushed, it’s actually pretty pleasant and he has learned a lot.  Once the pilot even let him see the cockpit of the plane.  Somehow, he always manages to get the flight attendants attention too, especially when we flew out of Cali all the time.  They love hearing him talk with his southern accent.

Maybe you deal with these kinds of things with your own kids and maybe you don’t. I’m just trying to offer some insight to what happens when his brain flips and he is in defense mode.  Our latest episode happened at church almost two weeks ago.

Sunday night at church he had a complete meltdown because of leading a song.  As those of you have known him from a baby have seen him lead singing in front of a couple hundred people and never bat an eye.  He will get up there as confident as any adult, lead singing and step down without a hitch. This was just a practice for him and he was so upset he couldn’t do anything.  He was almost paralyzed in a way.  He would try to go up there and then just couldn’t seem to move his body to where he needed to go. That resulted in him getting upset with himself and then getting angry.  The others were more than trying to comfort him, but he can’t see that when he is in this state.  He just spiraled out of control and it started on Saturday when his dad left town. So, he began crying and couldn’t stop and then was kicking one of his feet with the other one stiffening his legs under the pew in front of us, straightening out his back and was very rigid in his movements. I felt so sorry for him. I kept telling him he didn’t have to do it, but he said he wanted to and I tried to encourage that.  To be honest, I didn’t really know what to do. It’s been a long time since he has been that way.  When I tried to encourage him to do it anyway because I knew he said he wanted to, he just got more and more upset.  Everyone was looking at us and it made it worse for him because he was embarrassed and I wasn’t sure what to do either.  So, there we were sort of gridlocked into both trying to figure out what to do. I finally just said he should sit down and not do it that night and thought that by making the final decision he would start to settle.  Apparently, that was not the right thing to do.  I knew he was just angry with himself and he needed to settle down and gain some perspective. I could tell everyone else was uncomfortable too because they just just wanted to help and there is nothing they can do.  It was like they saw it and didn’t want to make me feel bad or him feel worse so they didn’t know what to do and it made for an uncomfortable situation all the way around. What do you do?  Do you just drag him out of the room kicking and screaming or just try and let him calm down? Do you make him sit down and just let him do whatever he is doing to his own body as long as he isn’t hurting anyone else? The man helping the kids was really fantastic and said okay time is up and everyone was to go back to their seats and it was a good practice.  HOwever, this made it worse for Jacob because he didn’t get his turn.  I told him that is how it works.  We have a certain time to do something and if we don’t do it then we just have to wait until next time or move on. These are hard lessons that life will teach him if I don’t.  However, he is in such a state now that I am not sure a lesson would sink in at this point.  He began to cry even more.  Finally, I got him over to where we were sitting and he was just crying and trying to settle himself.  

Someone kindly walked over to encourage him and was very calm and just told him that he always does a great job and if he wanted to just practice at home that was fine. That seemed to help him a little.  Then, another mother actually came over and I think she was trying to make me feel better more so than him. To be honest, I was embarrassed more because I wasn’t sure what to do and I felt like we were in the spotlight because of his behavior. I know it is church and hope they wouldn’t be judgmental about what I chose to do, but still, it was awkward to say the least.  I know it sounds selfish, but I am just being honest.  I didn’t know what to do and I was embarrassed that I couldn’t do the right thing for my son.

She was so kind and said a word of encouragement to me and more than that offered to help specifically.  Her son is older than Jacob and struggles all the same.  He is even diagnosed with the same type of autism.  So, she said her son offered to talk with Jacob when he was a little more calm and just sort of be a friend to him.  How wonderful!!!! Now, Jacob can have a mentor of sorts who gets it and can help him more as a friend than as a parent or therapist.  Jacob has friends who are very kind to him, but they are kids themselves.  We can’t expect them to be so understanding because it is a little scary for them when they see his body react in ways that don’t seem normal. That one mother who took the time to just say, “hey, it’s okay.” made me realize that maybe people are looking and judging my parenting skills on this one incident, but who really cares. Not only did she comfort me, but offered to help in a direct way and not the standard, “if you need anything.” What a blessing that was to me and maybe that is what was meant to come of this all along.  

Once practice was over, we went to sit down for service to begin and he just wanted to go home.  What do you do? I mean, do you stay and worship or do you leave because he is uncomfortable? My main goal in this life is to teach that little boy how to get to Heaven. If I fail in doing that, it will be a big mistake that I will have to answer for come the day of judgement. So, we stayed through service and he was just crying most the time and laying on my shoulder. The frustrating part is that it just simply looks like a tantrum or a discipline issue and I have been told as much from our own families which is very hurtful.  They just refuse to open their minds and see that this is so much more than that.

Anyway, we stayed for church because we have to learn to do the hard things. It would have been easier to have just left because he kept asking to leave, but it’s church.  What happens later in life when the conversation is hard and he has to make some decisions that will hinge on how firm his foundation was growing up?  If I haven’t instilled how important his time with God is then how can I equip him to be a Christian man that will be the leader in his home.  That’s how we grow and get stronger, right?

James 1:2-4  2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

To him this was a trial and I have to say that maybe it was for both of us.  For him to learn to push through a hard situation and for me to try and understand what to do and allow him to be uncomfortable. It’s hard as the parent because we just want to fix everything and make it easy, but that doesn’t help them in the long run.  Make no mistake that the outcome of how he handles trials in the future will be directly related to how firm his foundation has been built. Our job as his parents is to begin teaching him now so that he grows in his faith and in his convictions. That is what we are called to do as Christian parents.   

Later that night when we got home and Jacob had sort of calmed down he came to me and we talked about what happened.  I have always told him that home was his safe place.  We can talk about anything and are allowed to feel whatever we feel without judgement. It isn’t right or wrong, but it simply is what it is and it’s absolutely okay.  As he tried to talk to me he just cried and cried because he was so upset with himself.  I did nothing more than just let him sit with me and listen to him tell me how he was angry with himself because he wanted to do something and it was like his body wouldn’t let him do it.  My heart was breaking for him because I could see how much this affected him. He reasoned out why he should have been able to do it, but couldn’t explain why he couldn’t.  That is the thing about being in a safe place though, you don’t have to reason why you can’t do something!! You don’t have to reason at all; you just feel how you feel and it doesn’t even matter about the why.

Finally, later that night we went to bed and he got some sleep and was better by morning.  Unless he brings it up again I was perfectly content not talking about it anymore.  There is no reason to make him relive something unless he wants to talk more about it.  It was like nothing had ever happened except he decided that he didn’t want to lead singing anymore. That’s absolutely okay with us.  This is suppose to be an activity to help him learn to be a future leader in the church and not a source of punishment or stress.  Jacob’s concern was now how would he serve.  Well, I have to admit I missed the mark on that one.  If, in all this time, I have not made him aware of how many different ways there are to serve in the church without having to lead singing be one of them, I have failed him. I didn’t want another second to go by without having told him that there are always other ways to serve.  Giving to the homeless, helping those less fortunate, feeding those who need it, encouraging someone along the way, sharing the Gospel, sweeping the parking lot, cleaning up someone’s yard, etc.  Those are all different ways that we serve our Lord.  When we serve each other, we are serving Him.  It doesn’t have to be up on stage and in front of anyone. How could I have allowed him to not realize that?  

I told him it was absolutely okay not to have to lead singing and when I told the leader of the group about Jacob’s decision, I was met with nothing but kindness and understanding.  He simply said it was okay and that if he ever changed his mind he would always be welcome to try again.

Jacob has some fantastic teachers at church and I will be sad when this quarter is over because they have really had an impact on him more than they know.  They get it and don’t make a big deal if he covers his ears, puts his hood up on his coat or has to leave the room. Not only do they get it, but they allow it and never call attention to it. It’s a simple thing like not calling him out that lets him feel as if he is part of the class and not all eyes are on him.  It’s okay to just be doing whatever he is doing.  If he were disruptive I would expect nothing less than for them to have him leave class, but he isn’t so they just let him do what he needs to do to cope.  

While faith is a HUGE part of our family, I share this story with you not for the perspective on religion, but to help you gain perspective on what a child with autism struggles through. Maybe by doing this it will help you be a little more understanding the next time you see what looks like a tantrum and a mama in tears not knowing what to do.  An encouraging word sure goes a long way and helps so much more than a judgmental stare or the rude comment of “I know what I would do.”  The truth is that you don’t know what you would do unless you were in those shoes.  I can’t imagine a parent not wanting the best for their children and sometimes what is best for them is to help them cope whether it looks like a tantrum or not.