Self Discovery: Clearing out the past to make room for a new beginning…

Self Discovery: Clearing out the past to make room for a new beginning…

Wow, looking at this blank page makes it difficult to get started writing this first post documenting my journey of self discovery and letting go of all things that no longer serve as a positive force in my life.  I write in my head when I am running or when I am just about to fall asleep and I always think I will remember them and yet, I forget when I wake up.  

I’ve been through lots of changes in the past 15 years just as most of you, I’m sure.  What I have learned is that our lives go through different seasons and before you know it we are almost best friends with change because that is the one thing that stays the same; everything changes.

Often times I didn’t even know it was happening until I looked around and almost felt like a stranger not recognizing what had become of me because it either happened so gradual that I didn’t notice or so fast that I missed the transition...I’m not sure which! What I do know is that is not how I want to live my life.  I want to live this one life I have been given with intention...specific intention, you know what I mean? It’s too big a gift to simply have it pass by without having experienced the magic it holds for those brave enough to seek it out.  

Shaking off all that no longer serves me and beginning again with a new awareness of who I am and who it is that I want to become is really what this journey is all about for me. Starting over can be an overwhelming thing to do no matter where we are in our life. The idea that we might lose progress on where we have come from and surrender to something completely unknown can be scary. Then again, that is how we grow.  We don’t get better as people without getting uncomfortable and stretching what we perceive to be our limits.  

I met with Cindee (one of my yoga instructors) a couple weeks ago and when I left that session I felt a shift in my direction.  It’s amazing how certain movements of our body release different emotions and that can allow our thoughts to navigate to all the corners of our mind.  Yoga is as much a mindful practice as it is a physical one and during that session I decided to embrace the changing season of my life.  This acceptance lends a hand in building from a foundation of strength and understanding of who I am to become.  

Changing who we are at the core is a work in progress and can only take place when we find the courage to open our heart.  Letting go of all the pain, bad decisions and memories that have happened rather than pretending they never existed has been one of the most challenging things I have ever faced.  It’s much easier to shut that part off, seal that box and forget about it.  The danger in that is that it will eventually open little by little and unless we take the top off completely and clean out the mess, we are left merely mopping up the small leaks that spill out over the years.  All the negative feelings, the bitterness, the anger and hurt that’s been locked away is toxic and will spread to every area of your life no matter how much you think you have it under control.  I’m not consenting to allow that box to take up any more space in my life.  I am ready to begin clearing it out and to do that I have to work through what is inside of it which is exposing and opens me up for judgement.  Just thinking about it is very scary, but the alternative is that I keep hurting in silence. That is too great a burden to bear and I know that I don’t have to keep carrying it around.  

The great thing about wanting a new ending in this life is that we don’t have to wait for an event or for time to pass to allow ourselves a fresh start...we need only to look to God and simply take another breath for the chance to begin a new journey.

It’s hard to explain and all I can say is that it just feels like the time is right to begin uncovering old wounds so that I can let them go allowing me to soar from a place of strength and love. God has surrounded me with the most amazing people and a family dynamic that I never dreamed was possible.  

So, I am embarking on this path of discovery and embracing the beginning of a new season in my life with the intention of gratitude, love and acceptance.  When I can encompass all those things and fill my soul to the brim with God’s word, there will be no room for anything less than the most beautiful life possible.  

It’s time...

Mother's Day: Celebrating Life and Remembering Loss

Mother’s Day...  

Jacob: 10 lbs of absolute, pure joy

There was a time that I longed to be nothing more than a mother.  I absolutely loved being a wife, but still...I wanted so much to be a mom.  My husband and I struggled for years to have a baby and I had began to think that day would never come.  I had even started coming to grip with the fact that maybe God just had other plans for us and I would have to somehow find comfort in that.  

That’s an easy thing to say, but how do you do that?  When you want nothing more than to be the one thing that should come so natural, how do you just accept it isn’t going to happen and not have that affect the very core of who you are as a person?  Women are created for giving birth and being mothers.  It’s what our bodies do naturally and yet it somehow didn’t seem available to me.  How does that happen?

Why was I not allowed to have kids when there are drug addicts, child abusers and horrible women out there having them every single day.  I try to be a good person, I’m nice to others, I give to those in need and certainly I love God...why am I not allowed to have kids?  Those are the kinds of things that go through your mind when you struggle to have the family you so desperately desire.  

We eventually went through fertility treatments and became pregnant with a baby girl.  We were so excited and couldn’t wait to have our life together as a family of three.  Just after we found out Dan was deployed to Macedonia with the military.  When I was 20 weeks along I had gone in for an ultrasound only to find out that our little girl no longer had a heartbeat.  It took about two days for Dan to get home on an emergency leave so that he could be here when I was scheduled to have labor induced and give birth to Kaitlyn knowing she would never take a breath in this world.  My heart was broken in a way that I never even knew was possible.  The pain I felt losing her was far beyond anything I could understand.  It was smothering and took over every single thought that ever crossed my mind. It was all consuming and I couldn't figure out how the world was still turning when I couldn't seem to make time go by. Every single minute of the day revolved around grief and heartache and the days seemed longer than a mere 24 hours. It almost felt like time just stood still.

Despite how it felt, time passed and we readjusted to life as we knew it before and soon enough Jacob came along.  Now that I look back, I couldn’t imagine having it happen any other way because Jacob brings so much joy not only to us, but to everyone around him.  That’s not to say we don’t miss Kaitlyn and wonder what she might have been like as she grew up.  God had a plan and we just couldn’t see it at the time.

It’s hard to see outside of the pain you are going through when something like that happens.  Until you grieve the loss you have felt it can never begin to heal.  You, of course, never forget that you are a mother even though your baby never knew life on this side of Heaven.  The hard part about Mother’s Day when you have gone through something like this is that other people sometimes overlook you.  No doubt they don’t mean to, but it’s hurtful all the same.  

I share all this to say lets not forget to celebrate all the women out there who are mothers in every sense even though they don’t have their children here to hold.  Lets celebrate our own mothers, lets celebrate the women that help us raise our children by loving them, nurturing them and giving them another ally in what can sometimes be a struggling place for our kids.  

We need you...our children need you.  Happy Mother’s Day as we celebrate ALL of you tomorrow!!