Coming Completely Undone

So, where have I been, why did I leave and what is happening now that I a coming back?

Growth is an amazing thing that happens with time.  Sometimes we can feel it happening and gently we bend with the ebb and flow of the current as it brings change.  Other times it hits so hard and fast that we completely break open because the mold we live is only so malleable at any given time. My shell broke and I've had to seek shelter from complete exposure. I didn't want to stifle the growth, but I couldn't process it without taking cover.  

Yoga Teacher Training changed me in a way that I can’t put into words.  That’s kind of a big deal for someone who likes to label themselves a “writer.” Something inside me woke up in a way that wouldn’t let me rest until the process came full circle. It was a breaking open kind of growth and I spent so much time trying to put the pieces back together that I didn’t realize the shell that came apart at the seams was no longer meant for me.

While it’s been quite the experience, I can now look back with gratitude having finally found a stable footing to reflect.  I think reflection is key whether you live with mental illness or you have a perfectly functioning brain.  Personally, I wouldn’t know what “normal” function is like, but I can tell you as someone who lives with Bipolar that reflection is often the difference in understanding what is reality and what is perceived.  It’s a daily question of what is happening and if that is real or if my mind has construed information in a way that is wasn’t intended. Because I am up several days in a row and sleep is constantly interrupted by horrific dreams, my brain gets tired and things sometimes don’t fully make sense. 

Believe it or not, my yoga practice (second to my spiritual walk) has been the anchor through all the craziness.  That is the beautiful thing about a practice.  You don’t need to keep up with anyone or do anything for the sake of doing it.  Just show up, let it unfold and it will take you places you never knew you wanted to go.  In doing that, I have found where my heart lives as a teacher and that is something every teacher journeys to find out, I think anyway.  

The amazing thing about this whole process is realizing my connection to energy work.  Sound and chant drew me in from the beginning and as I began working with a mentor I started to realize the connection those things have to energy flow in the body. This made for a natural transition into becoming a Reiki practitioner and finding my authenticity as a teacher.    

It’s fun to break up every now and then and teach a hot flow or vinyasa with some fun music and let the body work, but I don’t teach from a place of fun…I teach from a place in my heart. So, I am shifting my focus and will continue in studio as a Restorative teacher.  Every Thursday, beginning May 10th, I will teach the 4:30 pm Restorative Yoga infused with Reiki and sound

I’m also offering Reiki/Sound sessions by appointment only. Those can be scheduled by emailing me directly at judymoss@live.com or you can schedule via text at (479) 899-3037. Distant Reiki is also available with a free consult before scheduling the session.

You can always email or text with any questions you may have or if you just want to know more about the practice in general. Energy work is heart work and if I can help, I am happy to do so without obligation or commitment to schedule anything. 

Change of Heart: Falling in love with who I am becoming ❤

It's been a while since I have been on the blog and I've been up to a lot since then. Ha. I hope you have too. I guess the biggest thing to happen is that I have fallen in love with another...myself ❤!! Imagine that! Me, the person who has fully disclosed the struggles with Bipolar and the emotions that come along with that. Me, the one who hated the very breath I took because it meant I was still in the world. It's taken years and I will admit I still go back and forth from time to time, but I am learning that my thinking and my emotions are two very different things. Allowing myself to feel completely gives me a better sense of who I am rather than trying to think it through. Bipolar affects your thinking and when I can separate the two, it becomes a different scenario entirely, at least for me. A very big reason for the shift has been my yoga teacher training. As a teacher, I hold space for others and I feel like I can only do that authentically if I learn to hold it for myself. It's that space that has allowed me to explore in a different way and it has been one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

A full class for Restorative yesterday makes my heart smile.  It is such a wonderful practice.  Since my yoga journey began, I have always thought the power classes were where I wanted to stay because they felt good and made me strong; yet, I still found the connection between the mind, the body, and the breath.  That is what I loved about it because I could grow personally with the practice.  I just assumed that is where I would focus my energy once I graduated YTT.

Then, oh and then...Restorative happened.  Yes, that wonderful, glorious, life changing Restorative yoga came into my practice.  It is so much more than simply resting.  I will admit that at first I loved it because it was a way to still my mind, which is a very difficult thing to do when you are Bipolar. However, I have come to know it quite differently. It’s a healing practice and connects me spiritually on a much deeper level.

To be still, to be vulnerable, to be open to finding yourself in a whole new way is a practice. So, Restorative is a practice in itself because while the body becomes relaxed and the mind allows the thoughts to leave, it gives the breath permission to do the work in the body. In order for any of that to happen, we must first feel safe. By practicing more myself, I am understanding how to better facilitate that for others. That is also why you will never see a picture of my classes. I share the studio space, but will never allow pictures to be taken in class because I don't want anyone to even think about a camera being in the room. This isn't a photo op for me, it is a safe haven for them.

Continuing to learn who I am as a person, who I want to become, how to better navigate mental illness, redefining my whole world to be a better, happier place to live has made me fall in love with who I am becoming. It doesn't matter that I am the only person that thinks I am hilarious, at least I'm laughing. It doesn't matter if others think I am a little cuckoo; I think I'm colorful. I really am becoming my own best friend and I couldn't be happier to simply allow myself to fall in love with who I am. For the first time in my life, I am finding out who I really am and I am not everyone's cup of tea, but I am my own cup of tea so that's all that matters.

Allow yourself to get to know you fully. No matter what you use to do that, just do it. We are continuously changing because time doesn't stand still.

If you come to my Restorative classes, we start by rooting down and finding the stability in being grounded.  This allows you to feel safe to be vulnerable.  We then move on to releasing and letting go of things that are not serving you in a positive way. That allows you to make space to absorb what you need to be balanced, to feel good, to feel wanted, to feel whole. It then moves to rest and simply absorbing the work your body has just done by using the breath. Finally, we end with restoring the mind and body to allow it to grow in a different way than when you came in.  Maybe it is subtle, maybe it’s more pronounced, but my hope is that you leave a little better than when you came.

The chanting we do in class is fun, but it is also very intentional and serves a purpose. All of these things are done with the mind and the breath while the body is fully supported near the ground.

If you have a Restorative class near you, try it out. More than once, try it and allow yourself to practice being still. That's where change happens...when we are not so busy chasing it, but we are still and allowing it.

Namaste!

Watching a Dream Unfold: Yoga Teacher Training

Life…

It’s a funny thing sometimes, isn’t it?

This weekend was the fourth weekend of Yoga Teacher Training.  That’s right folks, it has finally happened.  What I have been chasing for two years has finally become a reality for me.  I knew from that first yoga class that this is what I am meant to do.  This is where my heart thrives and I want to pour all that I have into becoming who I am, authentically.  

That’s sometimes a hard thing for us to figure out.  Life has a way of getting so busy and cluttered that we slowly begin living reactionary lives trying to just get by rather than intentionally making decisions to get where we want to go.  Before you know it, we have forgotten all about where it was we were heading.

The truth is that we can always be doing something to get where we want to go be it taking a class, reading material, getting a mentor, etc. You get the idea here.  A dream job or a happy life doesn’t just happen to find some people and not others.  Whether we want to get down to business and admit that our own decisions lead us to where we are or not doesn’t make a difference.  The simple truth is that we decide the path of our lives in the daily decisions we make.  That’s not to say that bad things don’t happen, but when they do, how are we going to handle them?  I think that is where who we are at the core shines...during those hard times.  

One of the best things you can do for yourself is to find your passion and be fiercely protective of it.  In doing that, you have to nurture it and share it with only those that will aide you in bringing it to life.  That is the exact reason I chose to do my yoga teacher training with Yoga Story.  There are training programs all over and numerous online schools that will get you certified, but when you are following your dream, you don’t go through a program with just anyone.  

I knew without a doubt that Yoga Story would hold me to the highest of standards and offer only their best in educating me to become a part of the yoga community. That’s the thing about them, they are not just a studio or a school, they are a community; a network of genuine love and support for their students and teachers.  

Has it been easy?  Ha… Absolutely NOT!!!

Has it been worth it?  You better believe it!! 💗

We are now four weeks into training and I have met some amazing people and made wonderful, lasting friendships.  A common interest brought us all together, but Yoga Story is making us part of a community. Who knows where we will all end up after training is over, but one thing is certain…

I will forever be grateful to Yoga Story for their integrity and dedication to offering nothing less than their best in this program.    

What I know for sure is that you have to absorb the joy in pursuing a passion. It may no come fast and it probably won't come easy, but it will come if you keep reaching for it. Go out and grab the life of your dreams!!! What are you waiting for?

Namaste

Living Your Dreams...

Imagine living in a world where you love what you do and you seek life in the very breath that you breath.  There is a difference in breathing because you are alive and actually seeking life with each breath. Becoming a seeker of that life is what led me to a yoga studio.  It felt like there was something missing and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it yet.  

Then…

I walked into Yoga Story one day with the idea to check out a class and left knowing exactly what it was that brought the missing pieces of my life together.  Actually, what I found out is that there was nothing missing at all.  I had all the pieces and every corner of the puzzle inside myself all this time, I just didn't know it.  It’s been a little over two years since that class and every practice since has just added fuel to a fire that sparked inside me that day.  

In yoga there is fluid movements with your breath that brings everything in sync making it a beautiful dance for your soul.  Now, if you have ever been in a yoga class with me, you know that it doesn’t look that way from the outside.  I saw a post about a baby giraffe learning to use its legs and that would probably better describe what is going on outside my body.  But, if you do yoga then you also know that isn’t what the practice is about anyway. It's about unlocking those things that keep you stuck whether it's your body, your mind, your direction in life. The practice itself opens you up to yourself and helps you find stillness in the chaotic world that surrounds us.

It seems only natural to pursue the Yoga Teacher Training with Yoga Story in Downtown Bentonville. The YTT begins in January of 2017 and I'm incredibly excited to bring my dream to a reality and join their program to become an instructor. Yoga Story, in my opinion, is the best studio on the planet.  I’ve had the pleasure of visiting a few different places both here in NWA and in other states while traveling.  I keep coming back to Yoga Story because it just feels right.  It’s a wonderful place where ALL are welcome and there is space for everyone.  I don’t mean that there is floor space (although, there is) I mean there is a place for every single person to be exactly where they are in their practice. Every class is accessible and a beginner can practice along side an advanced yogi.  Yoga is a very personal practice and having a studio that meets you exactly where you are makes it a safe place to be vulnerable in order to grow into your authentic self.  After all, that is what this life journey is all about...becoming who you are meant to be!  

When you wake up every single day with the realization that you know exactly what it is that your heart is telling you to do, you have found a gift that not everyone unwraps in their lifetime. Allow yourself to open the box my friend. I promise, it is worth the effort! 

Namaste

Stillness...

Stillness.

Last week my intention with my practice was to create space. It was productive to spend an entire week with the same intention for every practice. So, I decided to do it again this week with my focus being on "stillness."

It’s so important to find stillness when we have such a busy world swirling around us.  This morning’s yoga practice lasted for an hour and a half which is something that rarely happens.  It was so wonderful to just flow through movements while allowing stillness to continuously reside at my core.  

I’ve been on this journey as of late to get back to the basics of the important things in my life.  My spiritual concerns are reaching further and further causing me to forget the very foundation on which I live my life. My yoga practice has followed suit.  In my effort to get better and do more difficult asanas, I seem to have skimmed over the basic foundation of form and purpose of the practice.    

Creating space for growth is a good thing and absolutely necessary to keep moving forward, but we can’t move ahead so quickly that it comes at the expense of forgetting the basics of what is really important.  

The music that accompanied my practice this morning was Sanctuary and it was a perfect fit to bring me to stillness and continue creating space for growth.  

Creating Space...

Hello again!!!

It's been a while so I will just jump right back in where I am today.

Space…

Space to feel, space to breath, space for change, space to grow and even space for fear

My intention this morning was solely to create “Space.” Since beginning a regular yoga practice, I have been running toward the difficult asanas because they look really good, and that proves I am a yogi, right?  Don’t get me wrong, I have also learned so much about how it balances the mind and allows you to settle and take inventory of where you are mentally.  That’s very important to me because it is an integral part of my treatment for Bipolar.  I need this so that I can come to stillness and know what is real and what is perceived in the world of my own mental illness.

However, since really focusing on my practice in anticipation for my upcoming YTT, I have learned so much more about what yoga really is and that what you see is only one dimension of the practice.  

Today’s intention was focused solely on creating space…

Space to feel

Space to breath

Space for change

Space to grow

When we create space, we also create room for fear.  I keep trying to change the subject when fear creeps in, but today I just let it stay for a while.  Fear of change, fear of not knowing what lies ahead, fear of feeling things that are not always good. That’s a little tricky when you are Bipolar because I am unpredictable sometimes and if everything else is the same, I function better and my world runs a little smoother.    

I realized that when I shut out the fear, I am shutting out all the things I want to create space for as well.  So, today, I felt the fear and even created space for it on the mat.  I felt it, let it sink in, breathed through it and let it go.  When I finished, I feel like I have created a little more space for all those things that I want so desperately to make room for because it is only when we do that, will we grow.  

Namaste!

A Heart for God Inside the Body of a Sinner

Summer has been in full swing around our place making for a very busy schedule.  That would explain the absence on the blog over the last few months.  I’ve been trying to put more focus into my daily living and the service of my family so it seems as if the blog was sort of dropped off the list for a while. 

Let me first say that this is off subject from what I normally write about and more out of my comfort zone as it will address my Christian walk and the spiritual journey I am walking daily in hopes of getting closer to my creator. 

Someone posted something the other day that really struck a cord with me.  It wasn’t necessarily the scripture because it was true, but it was the added comment that seemed to knock on my door.  I’m not here to debate the context of the scripture or to get into a heated discussion about how it is applied to our lives today.  I’m simply saying that it affected me in a way that I wanted to address something openly because it seems to have been laying on my heart.  Maybe there is a reason for that and maybe not, but here it goes… 

For a very long time in my adult life, after becoming a Christian, I have hidden in one way or another be it preventing others from knowing about my colorful past or by physically covering myself up to hide what may cause someone else to see me as “less” of a Christian.  Even though there is no ranking system making one person a better Christian than another, I felt ashamed and unworthy of the bonds we can build with each other on a spiritual level.  I understand that only God knows our hearts so it becomes easy for us to judge each other simply by what we see from the outside.  We don’t have the capacity to look inside each other and to know our true intentions so we can sometimes base our opinions off nothing more than how we see each other physically. 

I will be the first to admit that I am far from perfect and have more rough edges than most people you meet on a daily basis, especially those who wear the name of a Christian.  However, that doesn’t keep me from trying daily to live better and get a closer walk with my creator.

2Timothy 2:15 “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.” 

After reading that post I began to think about my journey throughout this year to stop hiding behind a veil so as not to be seen under too much scrutiny because, after all… I am still a sinner.  One thing I have come to know for sure is that you can only hide for so long.  It’s exhausting because you become a slave to the thoughts and judgement of others rather than focusing solely on how we are seen through the eyes of God.  To help break free from those chains, I have made a conscience effort to stop hiding and be completely open with who I am and where I have come so that I could maybe encourage someone else along the way.  At the very least it would be releasing that burden that bonded me to the idea of judgement from others and how I am perceived because of choices I made before becoming a child of God.   

I am created new in Christ so that old person no longer walks in these shoes. – Romans 6:4 “We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new live.” NIV

Wow!!! I get the same reaction every time I read that and typing it out sends a renewed energy through my entire being.  Really!?!?!  It is possible that someone like me who made some really bad choices far after reaching an age to know better could be forgiven and allowed to live as if it never happened in the eyes of God.  YES!!!  THAT IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!!  That is the power of our almighty God.    

We live in a fallen world where our sins are forgiven by our Heavenly Father, but we are not always excused from the consequences of our bad choices here on earth.  Sometimes, the decisions we made have a lasting effect in this realm that cannot be always be undone.  A thief who turns from his ways can repay those he has taken from or a relationship can be ended if it was built in error.  I’m sure I could add to the list fairly easily if I were to spend the time on it.  Then, there is the other side of the coin. There are those sins that cannot be undone in this life.  A murderer will pay for his crime sometimes with his own life through capital punishment or by spending his life behind bars in a prison cell.  If he is converted and forgiven from God, that won’t change the fact that he will spend his natural life right where he is, but it does NOT make him any “less” of a Christian in the eyes of God.  You know what that does make him? A forgiven and loved child of God that will receive his reward just as the rest of us will one day when we wake up on the other side of Heaven. 

You are probably wondering what my point is by now since I seem to be rambling a little.  I will get to it, I promise.  My point is that we are ALL from a line of two fallen people who disobeyed God in the Garden of Eden. That makes all of humanity connected through an earthly bond so we are in a sense brothers and sisters alike. So, wouldn’t I go out of my way to bring my sister or brother into a life for God? Don’t we want to see our family living for the creator of this world rather than suffering the fate of not knowing Him?  How can we do that if we are so quick to look down on someone because of what we “think” they may be like because of how they look or dress?  We are not simply born into the fold of God because we are born into this world.  That is a decision that is made by each of us at different points in our lives.  If that were not so then we would all be maturing at the same rate based on how long we have been on the earth and not on how mature our walk is becoming with God. 

Why do we feel it necessary to judge each other because of what we may look like or how we have cared for our body?  The truth is we don’t really know anyone until we know their heart.  Careful in how you pass a blanket judgement, especially as a Christian, because we can cause them to turn away believing they could never be worthy of a life with Christ simply because of past choices they may have made. God has an open door for ALL of us and it does not have an age limit, a weight limit, a past sin quota, a no marks on your body policy or anything of that nature.  

We have to be careful not to put limits on someone by how you see them physically when you have no idea about their heart.  We could so easily turn someone away from the Gospel because we want to look our nose down at people who may not look like what you think a Christian should look like.  I know I don’t look like it and truth be told, I don’t always act like it.  I would love to tell you that I reflect God with every breath I take, but I don’t.  I slip, I fail, I sin and I am not where others may think I should be as a Christian, but God knows my heart.  When I am trying to do better or change, it is important for other Christians and other people in general to allow me to change and see me as who I wish to become.  Seeing them as anything less does not help them get closer to God.  It makes us feel like we will never be good enough to be in your circle, we will never be clean enough to walk the streets representing God in our daily lives.  After all, you have been a Christian for a long time and you pretty much have it honed in and we see you as a leader for us, but when you seem to think you are better than us, we believe you.  You know why? Because you have been a Christian for a long time and rather than question you, we doubt ourselves.  Is that really the result you want from your actions?

Please be careful not to do that!! When I read that comment, I really felt like they were talking directly to me and I know that I sin and fall short of God’s glory, but I try to get better every single day.  It was hurtful because rather than seeing that everyone is in a different stage of their salvation, it seemed like I was being called out because I may have done something when they think I should have known better.   Maybe I haven’t gotten to where you are yet, but that doesn’t mean I am less than you in the eyes of God.  You have made much better decisions in your past than I have, but that still doesn’t make me less. 

I say all this to say that God is NOT just for the clean, pressed pant type person who may “look” the part.  God is a savior for the sinners!! That includes us tattooed, body marked, rough around the edges, crazy people trying to make our way in a fallen world so that we can get to Heaven and live with our King.  God is for ME!!!

It doesn’t matter what I look like, God loves me.  It doesn’t matter that choices I made have a lasting effect on my earthly life, God loves me.  It doesn’t matter who I was before, God loves me.  You know what…he loves me NOW!!  Right here, right now, He loves me just as I am.  That doesn’t mean I don’t have changing to do to my life daily in order to live in His kingdom someday.  It means that He has given me a map to Heaven that leads to a kind of treasure that is far beyond anything I could imagine…I need only to follow the directions. 

So, I stop hiding!  I stop covering up the struggles I face so that you know there is no sin too great to bring to God for forgiveness.  Even as a Christian we will struggle and I know that I fail God daily.  I make the same mistakes again and then I make new ones (I’m gifted that wayJ) but God is there to pick me up again and again never failing to forgive me for stumbling.  I stop covering up my tattoos because it is part of me and God loves ALL of me.  Some people found them offensive saying I defaced my temple and have said as much to me. It was hurtful because you have no idea about my life and who I am as a person. Besides, that same defacing the temple argument could include a lot of things that I am sure we wouldn’t want placed on the list such as smoking, overeating, drinking, ear piercing, make-up, etc. Any number of these things could be considered defacing because it changes or alters the way it looks…just saying! 

We have to put that aside and be concerned with each other’s hearts and if we are doing something against God’s commands then He tells us exactly what to do about it in Matthew 18:15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you…” NIV. 

However, we do have to make sure that we understand it is a Biblical command they are breaking and not because we don’t know they did this before becoming a Christian or because it goes against our personal standards.  God will judge us by Biblical standards and those are the acceptable rules by which to try and help someone see their error. I've reached out to try and see where I offended them and how I could make it right and understand where I erred in my decision, but they have not responded.  All I ask is that you show me the scripture so that I can become more educated and know not to make the same mistakes. When it is scriptural, I am not offended at all and earnestly want to know so that I can do better.  I can't do better until I know better so simply bring it to me in scripture and I will have an open heart to receive it and will apologize publicly if necessary. 

Passing judgement on someone based solely on what you see physically or what we perceive to be true can be a turning point pushing them further away from God.  So, I won’t hide anymore because I don’t want you to think if you are marked (be it ink, a title, a reputation, mental illness, etc.) that God isn’t for you because He is for everyone.  He loves ALL of you too no matter where you came from, no matter what you look like, no matter what decisions you have made, HE LOVES YOU!! There is no reason for me to hide anything because God will still allow me into His fold and will do the same for you.  It is liberating to realize and fully accept that God accepts me because of my faith and obedience.

So, when you see me and you see my tattoos or watch me spiraling because I forgot my medication or you see me quietly sitting in the corner, know that my label hasn’t changed.  I am still a child of the King!!! There is victory in that!

God wants all of us to come to repentance 2 Peter 3:9 “The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness.  Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” 

My hope is to encourage you to know that God loves the sinners and knows the condition of our heart so don’t hide behind the judgment of others. When we have placed our lives before God and live for him through His word, He sees us as His children and not by what we look like on the outside.

I’m not here to debate what would fall onto the list of defacing our bodies.  That is not for me to say.  I’m just saying that we can’t put one person on the “shame” list because they have one of them and leave ourselves off because we have a different one from the list.  I am here to say that no matter what you see on the outside of me, I am still a Christian and God will call me home one day and none of this will matter anyway. I'd be lying to say I wasn't looking forward to that day.  My family means everything and I love them with all that I am, but I want more than anything to go home and live with my King. 

If there is an actual list in the Bible, please do tell me through the scriptures and the context of which it was written and I am more than happy to follow the word of God and try and help others do the same.  My personal feelings about something simply doesn’t matter when it comes to a command in the scripture. If there is a conflict between my feelings and the scripture, the scripture will ALWAYS win because that is from God.

Now that I look back on this past week, I am actually thankful for that thought provoking comment (as hurtful as it was) because it has made me take a much deeper look into the scriptures and dig a little deeper into my heart.  That is what we are to do and when we learn more of what to be from God's word, we get closer to the King.  

Just a note from my heart to yours…