Bipolar and Making a Change: I just can’t seem to get it right...
Wow...so here we go again. In my attempt to transform into the most authentic version of me, I have dropped the ball somewhere along the way. Why is it that I do that?
It feels like I put in the effort to change and become the wife I long to be allowing my husband to lead (there is a difference in leading and dominating), becoming more respectful in my communication, more humble in my spiritual life and more patient in my role as a mother. While I admit that it does feel like I am trying, the fact is that I am failing miserably.
I love the idea of living the most beautiful, authentic life possible. That is what draws me and I know in my heart where my passion lies. I know what it is that sets my soul on fire to live in a way that brings out the best in me. For some reason, I can’t pull the curtain back all the way. Just when it feels like I am making some headway, I face the reality of what is instead of what I want it to be and there is such a divide between the two that I wonder if these two parts will ever join paths.
Maybe it’s this stupid disease. I absolutely HATE having bipolar. Some people will tell you they embrace it, own it and function because of it. Actually, I don’t know any of those people personally, but I am sure they are out there somewhere. I genuinely hope that is true for them, but as for me...I HATE it. It is certainly not because of it that I function at all, it is in spite of it. When I lose the delicate balance it takes to manage this disease, it robs me of precious time that I feel slipping away and there is nothing I can do about it. Usually, I have a pretty good handle on it with a combination of different things for treatment, but sometimes... it just sucks!
Usually, this is when I can sit in meditation, take inventory of what is and get a baseline on where I am in real time stripping away all that is perception instead of reality. Yoga usually provides me with that platform and that is one reason I have fallen in love with the practice. However, that isn’t always the case. There are seasons such as now that I can’t seem to get a handle on where my head is going.
In doing my daily Bible study and prayer I read and know that in my head this is meant for everyone, but I just can’t seem to convince my heart that it is also for me. If you have ever been in love before then you know all too well how it feels when your head and your heart are not connected. Usually, it is the heart that wins out and all things reasonable flies out the window.
I keep hearing how we should just keep trying, it’s a new day, always a work in progress. You could almost insert any number of things in the blank there to symbolize starting over and all the chances we have to do just that. However, when I keep making strides the other way it feels like I am spinning my wheels and I just can’t seem to get it right. I’m as lost as I have ever been and seem to just be wandering around trying to figure out where to plant my feet so that I can gain some traction.
I’ll be the first to admit that I am incredibly lucky to be married to a Christian man who believes that commitment is above all else. He has said before that over the years we will fall in and out of love, but when we are committed that is what carries us through those times. Thankfully, he feels that way because I can’t imagine being voluntarily married to someone like me with a mental disease that is capable of distorting reality in such a way as bipolar. It goes far beyond being broken when I am in a season such as now.
It’s a hard place to live feeling so unworthy of the air you breath yet I am blessed in such a way that is indescribable. My amazing family never fails to wrap their arms around me, draw me close and lift me up. How does that happen? How does someone like me get to live in a realm of love such as I do and them not see this for what it is?
