This blog is actually multifaceted in that it isn’t about one particular thing other than me. I write in order to help heal myself and give perspective to what can sometimes be a distorted view of the world through my eyes. Looking at things through the lense of Bipolar doesn't always give you a clear view. The blog is also here because it’s helping me find my way in a sense. I talk a lot about how time is constantly moving so we have to decide how we are going to move along with it. This helps me keep my direction in this chaotic world that doesn't always allow me to think rational.
There have been some crazy awesome things that have happened in my life and I am so thankful for each of those. However, as I am getting older, I am finding more and more of myself that I never knew was there. Maybe it was there all along and is just starting to come to life. Either way, I’m finding my footing as an individual as well as a wife and mother. Now, I will be the first to tell you that there is nothing greater than being a Christian wife and mother; those are two roles that I wholeheartedly take on with no regrets and love every minute of it. Okay, maybe not EVERY minute, but more often than not, how is that? ha… Seriously, I couldn't think of anything else I had rather be than those two things. But what about myself, individually? What about you, individually? I’ve come to realize that there isn't an either/or scenario of being a wife/mother and also being who you are independant of those things.
The courage to dream...It comes so easy when we are kids. We think about what we want to be when we grow up. Just ask my 10 year old. He will tell you that he wants to be an inventor, own a restaurant where kids can eat for free and he wants to work at the same place his dad works. Don’t you love that? As easily as we adults slide into the driver seat of our car and take the wheel giving little thought to the mechanics of the process, he dreams of all the things he wants to do. Did I mention that he also wants to be an editor because he loves to proofread? He says that when I write my book that he will help me edit the final copy. It doesn’t occur to him that he couldn’t do any one of those things.
Dear Jacob:
Sincerely,
Your Mom.
It was a little different for me growing up. I wanted different than what I knew. It was a hard life and my parents didn’t always understand my wanting to get out or do better. By better I don't mean material things, but just a better life. It seems that everyone in my family saw that as me thinking I was better than them somehow. That was never the case at all. I just knew that I didn’t want to be in such turmoil all the time and have such chaos in my life. It makes me sad, but it is the truth. I never thought that I was better than anyone, I just wanted more for myself than a troubled home and narrow thinking. I knew there was a world outside of those four walls, but I just didn’t know how to get to it.
When you grow up like I did you learn that it’s easier to just not say anything about getting out of that town or doing better or getting more education. What I have learned is that behavior comes at a price. When you stop talking about it, you stop believing it; when you stop believing it, life looks very different all the sudden and that great future you thought you wanted suddenly seems that it may be for someone else.
So, lets forward on a few years, okay a lot of years, and here I am at nearly 40 and finding myself and what it is that ignites the fire in my core. All that happened in my life is what once was...it doesn’t have to be what is. That is up to me to change my thinking and let go of all that baggage and rewrite my own ending. We do that with decisions that we make everyday. Make no mistake that one day is just as important as a thousand because that is how our habits form. Our daily thinking tends to carry over and soon becomes our EVERYday thinking. So, even if it is one day at a time, go ahead and script your own future by following what it is that sets you on fire inside. It may not happen fast, but if you start one day at a time and make decisions to get you there, you are further along than you were yesterday.
I began a regular yoga practice here in NWA back in July of 2014. That was one of the best decisions I have ever made. What started out as a fun class has turned into a passion that leaves me craving the next practice. Yoga woke up something inside me and I found the spirit of that little girl that wanted to see the world. It’s hard to explain how you make a connection to your mind and body that allows all those shattered dreams and broken pieces of who you once were start to mend.
It’s a very healing discipline that helps me center myself and find balance in all parts of my life. I would be lying to say that isn’t a big part of the process in treating my Bipolar and the menopause alike. While I still have medications that I am prescribed and do take for the disease, this adds a different dimension to my treatment and connects all the corners together.
One of my goals for 2015 is to complete the 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training program and become an instructor. During a down swing of my Bipolar, I decided that for some reason I wasn't worth making that investment and abruptly said to my husband that I wasn't going to do it. He knows there is no reasoning with me during one of the swings so he just let it go for the time being. He would have addressed it later when I was leveled out because he is the one person that will not let me give up and knows how important this is to me. Anyway, later that night I tried to sleep and was restless all night and couldn't let go of my decision to give up on something that I was so passionate about. That’s how I knew that this is something I have to do. It just feels like the path I am meant to take and even in a dark hour, I can’t let go of needing to do this. It’s become more than just a dream and now is something I have to do. What a wonderful thing to have found what it is that ignites the pillars in my core and the thought of not doing it keeps me up at night.
Find what it is that keeps you up at night and go get it…
